Drivers Ed for Grieving

Well, today marks 3 months since my Mom passed away.  That does not seem real.  Something you should know about these last 3 months is it is OK to have more bad days then good.  I am going to try to explain some of my process.

About a year ago, I was rear-ended by a teenage girl who was texting while driving.  It really freaked me out.  Thankfully, the boys were not with me, but I have been a super paranoid driver ever since.  This prompted me to start thinking about this last year and all that has happened... I almost called this post "Grieving for Dummies like me" but I thought this was better.  When I got hit, it was right in the middle of everything; my Mom's diagnosis, doctors visits, surgery consultations.  I was making several trips back and forth to OKC, so it was definitely one of those moments where you are thinking, seriously... not good timing!  Anyway, I thought I would break it down in driving terms.

Rear-Ended - I would definitely say that when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, it felt this way.  It didn't come from out of nowhere, like being blind-sided, but it was quite a shock for sure.  The problem with this is you start focusing so much on what is coming from behind, you don't pay attention to what is coming right in front of you.  So, the likelihood of having some blind-spots along the way is big.  For us, it would be the crazy fast way it all ended.  Once the cancer spread to her brain, it was like a full head on collision totaling all of her.

Weather conditions - This is a big determination of mood and temperature of days.  I am so grateful it is finally Spring.  Driving through grief is definitely lighter when it is lovely outside, at least on some days!

Keep your hands at 10 and 2 - This makes me think of times and dates that are "firsts."  You want to hold on to all of them.  For about 2 weeks after she died, I could not eat at 6:15 P.M.  This is the exact time she took her last breath.  Every 11th of each month is significant.  Anniversaries, Mother's Day, Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This first year is so hard obviously.

Road Rage - I said at the beginning of all this that I needed a new vocabulary for these feelings that certain words or phrases just are not good enough for.  And it does make me mad.  I am still angry.  You just have to work at not letting the rage consume you, which is a difficult thing to do.  But, there are definitely some days when you may want to steer clear of me.  Again, this is just me being honest.  It is not always going to be peaches and cream with me, not that it ever was before.  But, especially now, my fuse is even shorter.  And again, this is OK.  The Lord knows.  He gets it.

Right of Way - There is no right way of dealing with this.  My Dad and I have talked extensively about this.  No two people will grieve the same way.  It is totally different for every single person.  I had a really hard time at the beginning, when people would try to tell me how they knew exactly how I felt.  No, you don't.  I don't know how you felt.  We can't compare how to deal with loss.  We can only relate to one another.  And again, there are no right ways or wrong ways.  We just have to deal with it in our own way.  And the Lord is the only way I have found to have hope in the midst of all of this.

Cruise Control - This is so hard.  I have battled with just wanting to set the cruise control on being miserable and sad all the time or trying to just not deal with it.  Cruising along like I am in some alternate reality.  I have told several friends; each morning, I wake up and feel her ring on my finger.  It is that reality check that brings me back to this place of the not so great truth that she is gone.

No Texting While Driving - I do still miss calling her every single day.  That has been one of  the hardest parts about all this.

Drivers Permit - I am just in the beginning stages of all this.  I have not got it down or under control.  I am still learning each day, moment by moment how to maneuver through.  I don't know if you ever get a license in this sort of thing.  But, there are some things that help along the road. 
   

Lights - Preston's favorite verse is 1 John 1:5 "God is Light, in Him there is no darkness at all."  Why do you think "This little Light of mine" is one of the first songs kids learn in Sunday school?  We all have times of darkness, but John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  Also, John 8:12 "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the Light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the Light of life.”  Even if it is just enough light for me to see the Light itself, I know it is enough to guide me forward.

Safety Belt - Every time you drive or prepare for anything (including loss and grief), you should always buckle up.  Ephesians 6:13-17 says "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

Just some random thoughts from the A.D.D. Cinderella.  Thanks for humoring me.

A New Hallelujah

It has been a while since I have blogged.  Have lots to say, just need to get it all worked out in my head. 

So, today, instead of writing about grief, I am going to write something positive.  This is more of a journal entry about God's amazing faithfulness.  I love looking back and seeing His fingerprints everywhere.

I had a wonderful day at Church today.  A couple weeks ago, I noticed our Pastor looking around for someone to help counsel a young woman who had responded during the Invitation.  And it hit me.  I can help.  I love Evangelism, isn't that what we are called to do.  I love sharing Christ with people.  Here I am, at my Church, equipped and ready to share and have not been in this specific setting.  Well, that had to stop.  So, I told Matt the next day.  Hey, I want to be available, expectant and ready, for people who want to know Christ!  This seems so obvious... and is a HUGE need, and not just in the Church during Invitation.  Just look at our world.  OY!  However, for me, right now, I can do this specifically!

LIVE IT OUT!

So, this morning, I went down with Matt, waiting and praying for lives to be changed.  Sure enough, I got my "New Hallelujah!"  (Michael W. Smith)

Let us sing love to the nations
Bringing hope of the grace that has freed us
Make Him known and make Him famous
Sing it out sing a new Hallelujah

Chorus
Arise!!!
Let the church Arise
Let love reach to the other side
Alive come alive
Let the song Arise 

We sang this song this morning.  It is quite appropriate for me today.  I found my new Hallelujah again! 

This young woman was such a blessing to me.  She got saved!  GLORY to God!  HALLELUJAH!!!  There was a party in Heaven, right at that moment!  (Luke 15:7)  She now has life and hope in Christ!  I don't know about you, but seeing this happen in a person's life NEVER gets old!  I even have a new perspective on Heaven now to share.  I have always talked about the "happily ever after forever after," but now, it is SO much more personal.  I appreciate this young woman listening to my "ramblings."  We got to cry together and she got saved!!!  Did I mention that?!!!  What a great time to come to Jesus!  She plans to get baptized on Easter Sunday, seriously!  Makes me so happy!

I cannot just sing about having passion to make Him known and not do anything about it.  Today, I was called to Arise again!  And I don't want to ever tire of doing just that!  It makes me come alive!  Thrills my heart.  (Insert very exciting terms here!)  All this to say, even in my grief, the Lord gave me a new Hallelujah (which has been a difficult word for me to say) but I am so grateful!  HALLELUJAH!!!

Thank You, Lord, for the hope we have in You. 
All of life comes down to just one thing, that's to know You, oh Jesus, and make You known! ("Single-minded" by Charlie Hall)

Questions with no answers by Jay Douglas

My Dad wrote something that I thought needed to be included in my blog.  It is a perspective on all the random questions people ask.  Thought it was good enough to type up.  There are no answers, just questions.  This is appropriate for grief.  Sometimes it is good just to write it all out.  He says he will not explain himself anymore and does not have all the answers.  Wise man.

Questions with no answers by Jay Douglas

Why not do it different?
Did she suffer?
Was she happy?
Was she angry?
Why did this happen?
Was it a show?
Why couldn't you fix this?
Did you ask God?
Did you pray?
Was there an answer?
Who's business is it?
Is she better off?
How long have you known?
Was the family happy?
Did they agree?
Were they angry?
Did they get an answer?
Do you think she would like it like this?
Do you remember?
Did you do what she wanted?
How could you tell?
Did she fight it?
How are you doing?
What are you going to do?
How long ago?
Can you sleep?
Do you eat?
Are you back to work?
How can we help?
Is there anything you need?
Do you miss her?
Are you angry?
Are you still sad?
How are you holding up?
Do you feel guilty?
How come it wasn't you?
Will you finish the house?
Are you seeing anyone?
Are you lonely?
What's wrong with you?
Do you blame God?
Do you blame her?
Did you give her your best?
Is there anything left?

I thought these questions were interesting.  Definitely could go in a book about what not to say to people who are grieving.