Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans

I have been having a hard time lately.  Nothing specific, just sad.  Things trigger it.  It could be something small or something extremely significant.
We redecorated our guest room.  That is where my Mom was until her last day.  I took down the pictures that we had put up for her to look at.  I had put up a picture of her for the Hospice nurses to see, along with a page of things for them to take note of.  All that is gone now.  The room looks different, which I guess is OK.  There is a frame of Disney memories, with a picture of her at the center.
We also gave her clothes to my Aunt.  Bless Matt's heart.  He packed them up for us.  My Dad and I could barely look at the clothes.  I kept a couple of shirts that had special meaning to us.  I am trying to think of something creative to do with them.  I don't sew, so I will probably frame them or something.  I don't know.
We went to Branson over Spring Break for my Granny's 80th Birthday.  It just feels like there is something missing on these kinds of trips.
We have also been Spring cleaning.  It is amazing the things you find.
And, we planted some perennial flowers and lavender; bright purples and pinks.  They cheer up our house and look really pretty.  My Mom liked to plant flowers.  I was out at their property the other day and saw some daffodils all over in random places.  She planted those.  It is cool that every year they will come back.
There is a lot of work to do still.  Dad has said he knows we need to start going through her stuff.  I guess we have just been postponing the inevitable.  It is just hard.
Today, when Dad showed up, he said he has been having a hard time this week too.  Interesting.  Actually, he said this week has been the hardest so far.  For him, he has been trying to finish their house.  I think we have him convinced that he needs to hire it out.  There is nothing holding him in Chandler, never was before and especially, not now.  We are really wanting the Wellston house to get done, so Chateau Jan Marie can become official.  He is planning to continue their gardens.  He has lots of vegetables growing.  And now, he is talking about planting a vineyard, which I think would be super cool.  But, still, it is hard.
There is just really no getting over this.  You can't just move on.  We are both definitely still frozen in time.  But, life keeps moving forward, with or without your permission...

Crazy Dreams

This post is just for me.  I started this blog to remember things about what happened with my Mom.  So, we are back tracking a bit.  Again, some of these posts are just for my own memory keeping.

Apparently, one of the side effects of large doses of morphine is crazy, hallucination dreams.  (It also causes you to see spiders or things crawling around on the walls.  It was hard to see her fearful.  I would take the "spiders" out of her room and throw them at Matt and Dad.)

Anyway, back to the crazy dreams... My Dad had noticed it one night, saying that she was dreaming they were back in Willard, very early on in their relationship.  He said she was mad at him as usual.  LOL!

My first encounter with the wild dreams was one night her looking up at me and asking if they had the code. 
Me:  What code? 
Her:  The code to get the Pilot down. 
Me:  What? 
Her:  FOON 124.  Tell Tyrone the code.  They need to get it to the Pilot.  Has he made it safely down?  Is everyone OK? 
Me:  ...???...
Her:  Something about "Baffoon."  I really need you to get the code to Tyrone.  FOON 124.
Me:  (Trying to change subjects, then just having to leave the room to not laugh in her face.  She was so serious!)
...about 5-10 minutes go by...  I go back in the room.
Me:  How are you doing?
Her:  I really need to know.  Did they save the Pilot?  Is everyone on the plane OK?
Me:  (Finally deciding to just go with it)  Yes, everyone is fine.  The Pilot is fine.  The code worked.  Everyone is OK and it is all because of you.
(I was so trying to come up with some fascinating numerology reason for 124... oh well!)

Another interesting thing happened.  My friend, Mandy, had her baby boy 5 weeks early.  This happened shortly after my parents moved in with us.  I found out the night Mandy delivered from Facebook and immediately told Matt and my Dad.  We were all out in the living room.  My Mom was in her room with the door closed, TV on, and asleep.  The next morning I went into her room.  She was still resting.  She woke up, startled, looked at me and said out loud.  "Mandy had her baby!"  I looked at my Dad and asked him if he told her.  He looked at me, surprised, and said he didn't tell her.  She had been asleep all night.  Interesting!  She laughed, acting like we should not be shocked that she was having prophetic dreams.  Oh and by the way, Mandy's son is just fine, happy and healthy.  At the time, I am sure it freaked out Mandy when I told her about what had happened.  Sorry Mandy!  Mandy is my longest friend.  So, I do have to say that I think it is cool that my Mom's angels are partying it up in Heaven with Mandy's son's angels, connected forever.  I don't understand all this, but I like to think that it is true somehow.  Pretty special.

I'm not going to be out-praised by a whale

Recently, I heard Louie Giglio speak about how all of creation literally cries out in praise to God.  He had sounds from whales and stars in the sky.  I know that sounds strange, but something he said challenged me... "I'm not going to be out-praised by a whale." 

Here is the deal.  The Heavens and Earth are still proclaiming His wonders, splendor and majesty... with or without me.  And I do not want to be out-praised by a whale or anything else for that matter.

I have been holding back over the last months.  Grief does that.  I had not raised my hands to Jesus in a while.  I could say it was because I didn't have the strength, but that is not entirely true.  Selfishly, it is easier to be sad.  I knew that I was not in full surrender.  It was very intentional.  Sorrow can consume you.  When you are grieving, sometimes you feel guilty for enjoying anything.  Miserable becomes familiar.  I read a Beth Moore devotion that talked about our "pits" starting to become comfortable, almost a life style.  Dangerous ground.  The truth is, this doesn't hurt God, it hurts me.  It is exhausting to try to hold back praise to my Lord, even in my pit.

I have been having some break throughs, instead of just break downs.  This is progress.  Some things progress naturally.  Some things take more time.  I am becoming more willing to let healing begin.  For me, worship music is some of the best medicine.

"God has absolutely no need of our offerings... We cannot even offer a simple song of praise without using the breath God first gave to us... There are some incredible painful struggles in this life, and hard questions to which we may never fully know the answer.  Yet even in these dark hours, we must accept that God is God, and as such, He never owes us an answer... Here is the all-sufficient Creator of the universe who could get along just fine without our little contributions.  And yet He rejoices and delights in every adoring response to Him.  It is the joy of a doting Father over a cherished child.  It is the pleasure of a mighty King over a faithful and treasured servant.  Just as we cannot begin to imagine the heights and depths of His great glory, so too we cannot begin to fathom the infinite measures of His fatherly love and grace."  (Facedown by Matt Redman)

Color Blind

My Dad is color blind.  It was first discovered when my Granny (his mother) sent him to pick out some green pants.  He brought her the wrong color once, then again and one last time.  When she finally realized he did not know what green looked like, they had his eyes checked out and sure enough, he was color blind. 
He describes it as seeing in black and white.  I know he loves yellow because he knows what it looks like and can pick it out fairly easily.  When it comes to other colors, he asks if he does not know for sure.  He also says that when he gets to Heaven, that is one of the first things he expects to see; brilliant, vibrant, full color.
My Dad is also a painter.  If you have ever been to our home, our living room is a Jay Douglas art gallery.  I always love to surprise people with the fact that he is color blind.  My Mom would help him usually pick out the right color combination. 

The reason I bring this up is because of my children and my church. 
I love Cameron Baptist Church for how beautifully diverse it is.  I love that my kids, growing up in this church, are color blind.  I love how our student ministry has such gorgeous faces and personalities.  This makes me think of Heaven.  We also have a huge group of Cameron University college students from all over the world, literally.  Right here in Lawton, Oklahoma.  When you look out onto our congregation, you see the whole world. 
I love this. 
I love my church. 
We have been here for almost 6 years now.  That is half of our marriage and almost all of our 2 boys lives.  (Preston was 6 months when we came.) 
No, things have not always been perfect, but this is our home.  I have not always said that about Lawton, so this is a big step for me.  Look at me, I am growing!
My Dad even calls this "home" now.  He comes here every weekend and loves coming to church with us.  He fits right in!  This makes me so happy.