The Problem with Closure

Well, here it is.  Tomorrow is the inevitable one year anniversary day of my Mom's passing...
I have been waiting and waiting for this day, hoping it would change things.

Closure if you will.

We have surpassed all the firsts.

My parents Anniversary, Easter, Mother's Day, me and Matt's birthday, 4th of July, Matt and I's Anniversary, the boys birthdays, her birthday, my Dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, plus MANY other significant milestones.

I have said all along through this month that my "New Year" will not officially start until after January 11th.  Will it be like this every year?  Probably.

She actually passed on a Tuesday, so today has been heavy with thoughts of all that happened that awful day.

I have been around the world (literally) and all over the USA over this last year.  Partly to try to escape it all and partly because traveling always has been healing for me.  She would have had a fit over Africa, LOL!  Although, I probably never would have gone if she was still here.

Some thoughts:
You cannot run away from grief.  You can try, but it will always come back.
You cannot put a timeline on grief or God.
There really isn't closure when you have lost a loved one.
The best way I can describe it is from one of my first blog posts in February, "Get her back up in the air" I wrote:

I also read "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado.  There is a chapter called "Unspeakable Grief."
"Amid the answers we think we know and the many we don't is this one:  death stinks.
Death amputates a limb of your life.  So Jesus wept.  And in his tears we find permission to shed our own.  F.B. Meyer wrote:  
"Jesus wept.  Peter wept.  The Ephesian converts wept on the neck of the Apostle whose face they were never to see again.  Christ stands by each mourner, saying, 'Weep, my child; weep, for I have wept.' 
Tears relieve the burning brain, as a shower in the electric clouds.  Tears discharge the insupportable agony of the heart, as an overflow lessens the pressure of the flood against the dam.  Tears are the material out of which heaven weaves its brightest rainbow."
We don't know how long Jesus wept.  We don't know how long David wept.  But we know how long we weep... Am I the only one who senses that we hurry our hurts?  Grief takes time.  Give yourself some."

I have since come up with more to this concept...
This whole entire year, I have been relying on being carried by my Lord.  I could not have done any of it without Him.  He has held me close and I am just now feeling like I might be able to take some baby steps with His help.  Learning to walk again beside Him is a long, hard process.

How do people get through tragedy without the HOPE of the Lord?

And through all of this year, He gave me some pretty amazing gifts.

If you have not heard my JOY story, you can read about it in one of my other posts from November, "The Lord has filled my heart with JOY."  It is just a testimony to how good my God is and how faithful He is.  Glory!

Currently, I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
If anyone wants to read about JOY through the ugly beautiful, this is the book for you.

Recently, I also read a book called "A Decembered Grief" by Harold Ivan Smith.  I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has had to lose a loved one through the holidays or any time for that matter. 

I would also recommend "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis.

OK, enough of Shiloh's book recommendations.  Lol!  Sorry, I love reading.

Here are some more thoughts for my own keeping:

I still miss calling her about nothing or about really important stuff.  Hearing her say "It feels like we haven't talked in ages" even just after a day or two.

I miss watching her with my boys.  They love Mama J and she loved them hard core.  She was our number one babysitter, no matter when or how long or for what.  She was there.

I miss her calling me "Shiloh Dawn."

I miss traveling together.  We had some adventures.  I am so grateful for our Disney World trip.  The boys will have those memories forever.

I miss going to the theatre with her.

I miss her awkward affection.

I miss her typed thank you notes.

I miss her gifts.  She was a gift giver.  That was her love language for sure.

The boys miss making cookies and cupcakes with her.  And water balloons and slides at the "new" house.

They still talk about the children's museum in Seminole and the Omniplex.

Bennett still says I don't swing him as high as Mama J.

Preston misses her letting him play non-stop on her computer or I-Touch.

I miss movies in Chandler at the ghetto movie theatre.

I miss our lunches.

I miss her.  All the time.  Every day. 

She would hate me drawing attention to her like this.

But, what can I say?  Lonely the only.  She was my best friend.  And this is just a glimpse.

Thank you for your prayers through out this last year and even this week. 
I will write more soon about all this year has taught me.  But for now, for tonight, this is where I am one year later.

Well, thanks for listening to my ramblings.  Since tomorrow is my first "dark day," I probably will not be on, so I wanted to put some thoughts out there.  Thanks for your encouragement, support, love and prayers.

Be blessed.