Well, today marks 3 months since my Mom passed away. That does not seem real. Something you should know about these last 3 months is it is OK to have more bad days then good. I am going to try to explain some of my process.
About a year ago, I was rear-ended by a teenage girl who was texting while driving. It really freaked me out. Thankfully, the boys were not with me, but I have been a super paranoid driver ever since. This prompted me to start thinking about this last year and all that has happened... I almost called this post "Grieving for Dummies like me" but I thought this was better. When I got hit, it was right in the middle of everything; my Mom's diagnosis, doctors visits, surgery consultations. I was making several trips back and forth to OKC, so it was definitely one of those moments where you are thinking, seriously... not good timing! Anyway, I thought I would break it down in driving terms.
Rear-Ended - I would definitely say that when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, it felt this way. It didn't come from out of nowhere, like being blind-sided, but it was quite a shock for sure. The problem with this is you start focusing so much on what is coming from behind, you don't pay attention to what is coming right in front of you. So, the likelihood of having some blind-spots along the way is big. For us, it would be the crazy fast way it all ended. Once the cancer spread to her brain, it was like a full head on collision totaling all of her.
Weather conditions - This is a big determination of mood and temperature of days. I am so grateful it is finally Spring. Driving through grief is definitely lighter when it is lovely outside, at least on some days!
Keep your hands at 10 and 2 - This makes me think of times and dates that are "firsts." You want to hold on to all of them. For about 2 weeks after she died, I could not eat at 6:15 P.M. This is the exact time she took her last breath. Every 11th of each month is significant. Anniversaries, Mother's Day, Birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas. This first year is so hard obviously.
Road Rage - I said at the beginning of all this that I needed a new vocabulary for these feelings that certain words or phrases just are not good enough for. And it does make me mad. I am still angry. You just have to work at not letting the rage consume you, which is a difficult thing to do. But, there are definitely some days when you may want to steer clear of me. Again, this is just me being honest. It is not always going to be peaches and cream with me, not that it ever was before. But, especially now, my fuse is even shorter. And again, this is OK. The Lord knows. He gets it.
Right of Way - There is no right way of dealing with this. My Dad and I have talked extensively about this. No two people will grieve the same way. It is totally different for every single person. I had a really hard time at the beginning, when people would try to tell me how they knew exactly how I felt. No, you don't. I don't know how you felt. We can't compare how to deal with loss. We can only relate to one another. And again, there are no right ways or wrong ways. We just have to deal with it in our own way. And the Lord is the only way I have found to have hope in the midst of all of this.
Cruise Control - This is so hard. I have battled with just wanting to set the cruise control on being miserable and sad all the time or trying to just not deal with it. Cruising along like I am in some alternate reality. I have told several friends; each morning, I wake up and feel her ring on my finger. It is that reality check that brings me back to this place of the not so great truth that she is gone.
No Texting While Driving - I do still miss calling her every single day. That has been one of the hardest parts about all this.
Drivers Permit - I am just in the beginning stages of all this. I have not got it down or under control. I am still learning each day, moment by moment how to maneuver through. I don't know if you ever get a license in this sort of thing. But, there are some things that help along the road.
Lights - Preston's favorite verse is 1 John 1:5 "God is Light, in Him there is no darkness at all." Why do you think "This little Light of mine" is one of the first songs kids learn in Sunday school? We all have times of darkness, but John 1:5 says "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." Also, John 8:12 "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the Light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the Light of life.” Even if it is just enough light for me to see the Light itself, I know it is enough to guide me forward.
Safety Belt - Every time you drive or prepare for anything (including loss and grief), you should always buckle up. Ephesians 6:13-17 says "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
Just some random thoughts from the A.D.D. Cinderella. Thanks for humoring me.
still praying for you and thinking about you during this season. i do have to say that is it quite an honor to watch God move in you and heal you and be known through you. in this life we are not exempt from the things of the world, we are just responsible for handling them different than the world and subsequently revealing Him. you are doing that my friend, even if the bad days outnumber the good. love you very much :)
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