While in Uganda, everywhere we went, many people (of all ages) would call out; "Hey, Mzungu, how are you?" I thought it was so funny. I even bought a t-shirt that says "MZUNGU" on it. I have no idea if children or adults over there even know what it means. We were told it basically meant foreigner.
Well, when I got back, I googled the term, "mzungu."
Literally translated it means "someone who roams around aimlessly" or "aimless wanderer."
Some people would be offended by this. In fact, I would hear people trying to correct children by asking them to call them "Auntie" or "Uncle." They would say, "I am not a Mzungu!"
Personally, I found truth in it.
Have you ever been in a season of wandering or roaming around aimlessly?
If you have not, then, you should probably stop reading this...
I can honestly say that over the last year and a half, I have had many, many times of aimless wandering.
It struck me quickly after my Mom found out the cancer had spread to the lining of her brain.
It came on strong when I was her care giver and there was this indescribable, overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
It blind-sided me when I watched my Mom breathe her last breath.
It occurred when I quit my job/ministry at the Pregnancy Resource Center.
It hit me hard when I traveled all the way to East Africa and saw things that started a whole new, different grief process in my life.
It still happens when I lay awake at night unable to turn off my mind to the things I have seen, smelled, heard, touched and experienced.
"Aimless Wanderer." MZUNGU. Yep, that pretty much sums up this last year or so.
It has been a very bizarre and new feeling, although I do feel like I am beginning to move forward, which is good. Sometimes it feels like I am just coming out of a fog or coming up to the surface from under water or climbing out of a pit. Again, the best analogy I have read so far is the learning to walk again after losing a limb.
Hopefully, prayerfully, with the Lord's help, this Mzungu is starting to find some direction again.
Since January 12, 2012, I have kept a planner of JOY. Each day, I have written a JOY Scripture and a JOY quote. JOY! JOY! JOY!
That's a lot of JOY!
I give Glory to God for bringing healing JOY in my life every day. It is definitely a day to day, moment by moment process.
I am being challenged in new ways.
I can't just sing these words and not live them out...
"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss." (Lead me to the Cross lyrics)
"It's all about You, Jesus." (Jesus, Lover of my soul lyrics)
"Break my heart for what breaks Yours." (Hosanna lyrics)
"Now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead." (Albertine lyrics)
"There are no orphans of God." (Orphans of God lyrics)
Here are some words from a book that I have been reading recently. My dear friend, Mary Smith, gave me this book. It is called "Hope Lives, A Journey to Restoration" by Amber Van Schooneveld.
"Help me not to let my all-about-me attitude persuade me to neglect those You want me to reach. I want You to transform me to be like Jesus."
"I want God to transform my heart by the Holy Spirit so that I love what God loves, so that mercy naturally flows out of me. I want to show others mercy because it was first shown to me; to offer mercy to others as fellow guests at God's table, not as a benevolent queen offering scraps to beggars at my feet."
"If I give every last cent, but I don't do it in Your love, it's a waste. Mercy is attached to my heart. God, please change my heart. I give it to You. Transform it to love with Your love."
"Guilt is not the point. I don't need guilt; I need love."
"True charity is love."
"I want to turn away from my cold charity and my willing ignorance."
"Thank You that I know You're just waiting to do this."
Can you hear my toes crunching?
So, all this to say, this Mzungu is preparing for something. I don't exactly know what it looks like, but I know I am pressing on toward it. Forward progress is a good thing.
We all need to be passionate... even when we are wandering aimlessly.
Waiting is not my forte, but no matter what or when, I am fixing my eyes on Jesus.
Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it. - James 4:17
Here are some of my passions (old and new): Evangelism, My Family, Mentoring, Leading Worship, Missions, Advocating for Orphans, Reading, Writing, Learning, Travel, JOY!!!
I would love to hear what you are passionate about and what you are pressing on toward, so that we can pray for each other.
Thank you for reading this Mzungu's ramblings!
May my "aimless wandering" be turned around and focused for His Glory!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
It's official, I am just like my Mother
I am officially enrolled at Cameron University for Fall 2012!
This process began around February of this year. I decided one day to just go across the street. As many of you know, my husband, Matt works at Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, OK. Our Church is literally across the street from Cameron University. So, after a lunch date with Matt, I walked across the street to the campus. It makes so much sense to me now that being on a college campus would make me feel at home. The day I set foot on campus to inquire about attending, I felt a rush of something I had not felt in a while. It felt good, comfortable. I felt a sense of belonging and I felt my Mom. This may not make sense to you, but it is the truth for me.
Some of you may not know that I pretty much grew up on a college campus. My Mom worked at UCO as a computer programmer for over 30 years and received her MBA there. She actually loved learning. When UCO offered free tuition for employees, she jumped on it. She was brilliant and set the curve in all of her classes. She loved learning. That was her hobby. A thirst for knowledge. I think it is absolutely priceless that there is a memorial scholarship at UCO in her name to continue on her legacy of learning. Maybe some day my boys will attend as well!
UCO has always meant so much to me. I met my husband at the BSU (BCM) there. Matt and I both graduated from there. Our BCM Director, Charles Lillard, officiated my Mom's memorial service and hosted her Life Celebration after. We love UCO!
Now, here I am, 12 years after graduating from UCO, a Cameron University college student!!! I can hear my Mom's voice telling me to get a Masters Degree... not gonna happen! First, Cameron does not offer a Masters in Communication. Oh, that's a shame! Lol. I really have no desire to get a Masters degree at this point. However, I am looking forward to the fun classes I am going to take!
Intro to Creative Writing and Exploring Multiculturalism, plus a 2 Saturday workshop on Non-fiction Writing.
I have really enjoyed writing over the last year. My plan is to write something where the proceeds can go to benefit Haven of Hope in Kenya, where I found JOY! My friend Amber is going there to serve for a year. So, we shall see what the Lord has in store.
A friend asked me recently what I enjoy doing. She said I had mentioned things I don't like to do (mainly crafty stuff that I am not naturally good at), so what is it that I enjoy doing? This question really got to me. My Mom always joked that she had no personality and was pretty boring. I had to stop and think about what I do like to do. Since then, I have realized several things. I won't bore you with some of the awareness the Lord has brought me to. I will share this. One thing is, like my Mother, I enjoy learning. So I guess one of my new hobbies is going to be school! Who would have thought?! I am becoming just like my Mother. Lol. I actually think that is something to be proud of regarding the value she put on education. She definitely passed this on to me and I hope some day this love of learning will continue on with my boys!
Anyway, this is my news for now. I am really looking forward to being on campus in the Fall. I have been a bit frustrated not knowing what was next and now I have something to look forward to. Praise God!
Thank you for your support and prayers! I am expecting great things for His Glory!
This process began around February of this year. I decided one day to just go across the street. As many of you know, my husband, Matt works at Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, OK. Our Church is literally across the street from Cameron University. So, after a lunch date with Matt, I walked across the street to the campus. It makes so much sense to me now that being on a college campus would make me feel at home. The day I set foot on campus to inquire about attending, I felt a rush of something I had not felt in a while. It felt good, comfortable. I felt a sense of belonging and I felt my Mom. This may not make sense to you, but it is the truth for me.
Some of you may not know that I pretty much grew up on a college campus. My Mom worked at UCO as a computer programmer for over 30 years and received her MBA there. She actually loved learning. When UCO offered free tuition for employees, she jumped on it. She was brilliant and set the curve in all of her classes. She loved learning. That was her hobby. A thirst for knowledge. I think it is absolutely priceless that there is a memorial scholarship at UCO in her name to continue on her legacy of learning. Maybe some day my boys will attend as well!
UCO has always meant so much to me. I met my husband at the BSU (BCM) there. Matt and I both graduated from there. Our BCM Director, Charles Lillard, officiated my Mom's memorial service and hosted her Life Celebration after. We love UCO!
Now, here I am, 12 years after graduating from UCO, a Cameron University college student!!! I can hear my Mom's voice telling me to get a Masters Degree... not gonna happen! First, Cameron does not offer a Masters in Communication. Oh, that's a shame! Lol. I really have no desire to get a Masters degree at this point. However, I am looking forward to the fun classes I am going to take!
Intro to Creative Writing and Exploring Multiculturalism, plus a 2 Saturday workshop on Non-fiction Writing.
I have really enjoyed writing over the last year. My plan is to write something where the proceeds can go to benefit Haven of Hope in Kenya, where I found JOY! My friend Amber is going there to serve for a year. So, we shall see what the Lord has in store.
A friend asked me recently what I enjoy doing. She said I had mentioned things I don't like to do (mainly crafty stuff that I am not naturally good at), so what is it that I enjoy doing? This question really got to me. My Mom always joked that she had no personality and was pretty boring. I had to stop and think about what I do like to do. Since then, I have realized several things. I won't bore you with some of the awareness the Lord has brought me to. I will share this. One thing is, like my Mother, I enjoy learning. So I guess one of my new hobbies is going to be school! Who would have thought?! I am becoming just like my Mother. Lol. I actually think that is something to be proud of regarding the value she put on education. She definitely passed this on to me and I hope some day this love of learning will continue on with my boys!
Anyway, this is my news for now. I am really looking forward to being on campus in the Fall. I have been a bit frustrated not knowing what was next and now I have something to look forward to. Praise God!
Thank you for your support and prayers! I am expecting great things for His Glory!
All Star Bucket Fillers
Today, Bennett received his first "Bucket Filler" award in Pre-K. This award is given out to two students per class once a quarter, so it is a pretty big honor. The award is based on the childrens book, "Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids."
"As the pages turn, children learn the meaning of the terms, bucket filling and bucket dipping and discover that when they fill someone's bucket, they fill their own. This popular book's call to action is: Why not decide to be a bucket filler today and every day?"
His teacher said this about him. "I love to see you smile every morning. When you smile, it makes me smile. You are such a loving, caring and compassionate classmate to all your friends. Thank you for being a great bucket filler."
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I love this about my boys! They really are Bucket Fillers. They give JOY! They fill people's buckets with kind words and love. You can't help but be filled to overflowing when you encounter them.
Did I mention Preston has also received this award in Kindergarten and First Grade?
This makes me one proud Momma! May they never lose sight of the power of encouragement!
I am humbled by how easy this comes for them. When do we as adults forget about this being a priority?
I have definitely been learning about seeking JOY, but do I always strive to give it? I learn so much from my children. They inspire and motivate me in so many ways.
I am blessed and so grateful! Glory to God for my two Bucket Fillers!
"As the pages turn, children learn the meaning of the terms, bucket filling and bucket dipping and discover that when they fill someone's bucket, they fill their own. This popular book's call to action is: Why not decide to be a bucket filler today and every day?"
His teacher said this about him. "I love to see you smile every morning. When you smile, it makes me smile. You are such a loving, caring and compassionate classmate to all your friends. Thank you for being a great bucket filler."
I love this about my boys! They really are Bucket Fillers. They give JOY! They fill people's buckets with kind words and love. You can't help but be filled to overflowing when you encounter them.
Did I mention Preston has also received this award in Kindergarten and First Grade?
This makes me one proud Momma! May they never lose sight of the power of encouragement!
I am humbled by how easy this comes for them. When do we as adults forget about this being a priority?
I have definitely been learning about seeking JOY, but do I always strive to give it? I learn so much from my children. They inspire and motivate me in so many ways.
I am blessed and so grateful! Glory to God for my two Bucket Fillers!
Every time your name comes up in my prayers, I say, "Oh, thank You, God!" I keep hearing of the love and faith you have for the Master Jesus, which brims over to other believers. And I keep praying that this faith we hold in common keeps showing up in the good things we do, and that people recognize Christ in all of it. Friend, you have no idea how good your love makes me feel, doubly so when I see your hospitality to fellow believers.
May we all fill someone's bucket today and every day!
Philemon 1:4-7 (MSG)
May we all fill someone's bucket today and every day!
Monday, March 26, 2012
God is good, all the time... and that's His nature, WOW!!!
In Kenya, at Fiwagoh, they would say this well known phrase.
"God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that's His nature, WOWWWW!!!"
I first heard the phrase; "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good," from Craig Groeschel, Pastor of Lifechurch.tv about 13 years ago, when I was first dating Matt. Craig would speak at Council Road Baptist Church every Tuesday night at Metro Bible Study. Since Matt was the College Pastor at Council Road, we were regulars at Metro Bible Study. And pretty much every Tuesday, Craig would get up and say "God is good." Then we would say, "All the time." Then he would say, "All the time." Then we would say, "God is good."
So, to hear this phrase in Kenya, Africa was quite surreal!!! But, I love the tag line they use. "And that's His nature, WOWWWWWW!!!" Everyone just smiled so big as they said this. I assume it is something Pastor Benson taught them. He is very quotable as well.
All this to say, God is REALLY good!
I just have to make much of something that just happened.
The reason all of this is so significant is how the Lord can bring situations and people together for His Glory in so many ways. It truthfully just blows my mind!
Here is the story. Buckle up. I haven't written in a while, so this is bound to be lengthy! Lol.
My dear friend, Amber Lewis, is back in Africa right now. She is on her second Visiting Orphans trip and will be working with children in Ethiopia and Uganda. She is the one who invited me to go with her on my first VO trip in October to Kenya and Uganda.
Amber is an amazing woman. This coming July, she is moving to Kenya for a year. Her heart is to serve at Haven of Hope (where I found my JOY). While there, she will be searching for a child or sibling group to adopt and bring back here to Oklahoma! Can you say WOWWWW!!!
Amber is one of my "Precious Jewels." When I first married Matt, I had a group of college aged girls that would come over once a week. We were called Precious Jewels. We would do Bible study, prayer and accountability. She became one of my closest friends. I am so grateful that over these last 13 years, we have remained in touch. Quite frankly, she has been one of the most loyal friends that I could have. She helped put up guttering on one of our first houses. She has helped us move numerous times. Lol. She came and visited us in South Padre Island. She surprised me on the day of my Mom's mastectomy and showed up at Mercy Hospital with a care package. She also came to my Mom's Memorial service and Life Celebration after. She waited a really long time that day just to hug me. She has been someone who has checked in on me a lot over this last year. She also knows me and knows my heart. I will never forget her phone call last summer when she said she felt the Lord wanted her to ask me to GO with her on a trip to AFRICA. I cannot describe how incredibly grateful I am for her. She is more like a sister, even though I know she has lots of other sisters. I don't. I have very few people in my life that I know I could count on for just about anything and Amber is one of those people. She is special. Our relationship has almost reversed over the years from me being a proud Momma type to now standing in awe as she mentors, inspires and motivates me. I just can't say enough about her. By the way, she will not like that I am going on and on about her. She does not like to be in the spot light. She is a hard core, git r done, no time to waste girl. And she takes what the Lord calls her to do very seriously. I am a big fan!!!
And now she is going to LIVE in AFRICA!!! She just rocks!
If you would like to help support Amber, PLEASE contact me. She has to raise her own funds and support.
This Sunday, I had one of our college students give me a check to send to her. The neat part about this is this college student is from the Ivory Coast. Isn't it just like the Lord to bring a college student here to Lawton, Oklahoma all the way from Africa to learn about my friend, one of our former college students from Oklahoma City, who is now going to live in Africa.
I LOVE THAT!!!
I love that 13 years after I met Amber, she is now going and being Love, living it out, for His Glory to Kenya. She will get to hold my baby JOY (who isn't a baby anymore!) every day for a year. I am so jealous!
I love Africa and I do long to go back some day. As soon as my boys are old enough, oh we are going! Maybe Amber will come with us with her kids too, Lord willing!!!
I love that we are all connected as believers all over the world.
I love that every week, I get to be around a bunch of international students from Africa and all over! I feel so at home when I am with them. When I get to Heaven, I sure hope my freckled white face will be in a beautiful African choir, praising Jesus for all of eternity.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that's His Nature, WOWWWWW!!!
"God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that's His nature, WOWWWW!!!"
I first heard the phrase; "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good," from Craig Groeschel, Pastor of Lifechurch.tv about 13 years ago, when I was first dating Matt. Craig would speak at Council Road Baptist Church every Tuesday night at Metro Bible Study. Since Matt was the College Pastor at Council Road, we were regulars at Metro Bible Study. And pretty much every Tuesday, Craig would get up and say "God is good." Then we would say, "All the time." Then he would say, "All the time." Then we would say, "God is good."
So, to hear this phrase in Kenya, Africa was quite surreal!!! But, I love the tag line they use. "And that's His nature, WOWWWWWW!!!" Everyone just smiled so big as they said this. I assume it is something Pastor Benson taught them. He is very quotable as well.
All this to say, God is REALLY good!
I just have to make much of something that just happened.
The reason all of this is so significant is how the Lord can bring situations and people together for His Glory in so many ways. It truthfully just blows my mind!
Here is the story. Buckle up. I haven't written in a while, so this is bound to be lengthy! Lol.
My dear friend, Amber Lewis, is back in Africa right now. She is on her second Visiting Orphans trip and will be working with children in Ethiopia and Uganda. She is the one who invited me to go with her on my first VO trip in October to Kenya and Uganda.
Amber is an amazing woman. This coming July, she is moving to Kenya for a year. Her heart is to serve at Haven of Hope (where I found my JOY). While there, she will be searching for a child or sibling group to adopt and bring back here to Oklahoma! Can you say WOWWWW!!!
Amber is one of my "Precious Jewels." When I first married Matt, I had a group of college aged girls that would come over once a week. We were called Precious Jewels. We would do Bible study, prayer and accountability. She became one of my closest friends. I am so grateful that over these last 13 years, we have remained in touch. Quite frankly, she has been one of the most loyal friends that I could have. She helped put up guttering on one of our first houses. She has helped us move numerous times. Lol. She came and visited us in South Padre Island. She surprised me on the day of my Mom's mastectomy and showed up at Mercy Hospital with a care package. She also came to my Mom's Memorial service and Life Celebration after. She waited a really long time that day just to hug me. She has been someone who has checked in on me a lot over this last year. She also knows me and knows my heart. I will never forget her phone call last summer when she said she felt the Lord wanted her to ask me to GO with her on a trip to AFRICA. I cannot describe how incredibly grateful I am for her. She is more like a sister, even though I know she has lots of other sisters. I don't. I have very few people in my life that I know I could count on for just about anything and Amber is one of those people. She is special. Our relationship has almost reversed over the years from me being a proud Momma type to now standing in awe as she mentors, inspires and motivates me. I just can't say enough about her. By the way, she will not like that I am going on and on about her. She does not like to be in the spot light. She is a hard core, git r done, no time to waste girl. And she takes what the Lord calls her to do very seriously. I am a big fan!!!
And now she is going to LIVE in AFRICA!!! She just rocks!
If you would like to help support Amber, PLEASE contact me. She has to raise her own funds and support.
This Sunday, I had one of our college students give me a check to send to her. The neat part about this is this college student is from the Ivory Coast. Isn't it just like the Lord to bring a college student here to Lawton, Oklahoma all the way from Africa to learn about my friend, one of our former college students from Oklahoma City, who is now going to live in Africa.
I LOVE THAT!!!
I love that 13 years after I met Amber, she is now going and being Love, living it out, for His Glory to Kenya. She will get to hold my baby JOY (who isn't a baby anymore!) every day for a year. I am so jealous!
I love Africa and I do long to go back some day. As soon as my boys are old enough, oh we are going! Maybe Amber will come with us with her kids too, Lord willing!!!
I love that we are all connected as believers all over the world.
I love that every week, I get to be around a bunch of international students from Africa and all over! I feel so at home when I am with them. When I get to Heaven, I sure hope my freckled white face will be in a beautiful African choir, praising Jesus for all of eternity.
God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. And that's His Nature, WOWWWWW!!!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
JOY for my son becoming my brother in Christ
Dear Preston,
Today was a very proud moment for us. You stood in front of Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, Oklahoma and declared that you have asked Jesus into your heart and your life. We are so thrilled for this life changing decision.
I had no idea that this day would come so soon. We have been praying for this day since before you were born.
On December 12, 2004, your Daddy and I presented you as a baby to be dedicated at Emmaus Baptist Church in Oklahoma City. That was a very special day, but not as special as the day you asked Jesus to come into your heart and wash away all your sins.
On December 27, 2011, we had watched the video from Mama J's life celebration and shared some memories from Christmas's including her. Then, we read a book about Heaven. We have read this book before many times. But, the Holy Spirit called you on this night to respond. Right before bed time, you prayed a prayer from your heart without your Daddy or me instructing you. You spoke directly to God and He heard you, my dear boy!
"That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9
It kind of surprised your Daddy and me. To be honest, I didn't know if you understood fully what you were doing. I am sorry that I did not trust that you could believe at such a young age. You have since shown us that the Holy Spirit is indeed at work in your life. Praise GOD! I am humbled and overwhelmed with emotions by all of this.
I didn't know that through the significant loss we have experienced, you would grapple with your faith and find Jesus this early in your life. Glory! There was a party in Heaven on that day for you, Preston!
Luke 15:7 says "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
We also had a chance to talk to Mrs. Terri last Wednesday and read in the Bible again about what it means to be saved. We are so grateful for our Church and how much you have learned so far. You will continue to grow and learn more and more each day.
That makes my heart grow big!
Please know that we are here for you if you have any questions. You have Daddy and me, Papa J, Meemaw and Papa Wolff, your Sunday School teachers, church family and many more family and friends who support you and love you.
Most important of all, Jesus is and always will be there for you. He will never leave you, Preston!
I love your enthusiasm and your confidence in your Savior. You have such beautiful faith. The Lord has so much in store for you, mighty warrior! Your JOY is contagious. I love that about you.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
So many adventures to come, my son and now, my little brother in our forever family!
We love you!
Today was a very proud moment for us. You stood in front of Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, Oklahoma and declared that you have asked Jesus into your heart and your life. We are so thrilled for this life changing decision.
I had no idea that this day would come so soon. We have been praying for this day since before you were born.
On December 12, 2004, your Daddy and I presented you as a baby to be dedicated at Emmaus Baptist Church in Oklahoma City. That was a very special day, but not as special as the day you asked Jesus to come into your heart and wash away all your sins.
On December 27, 2011, we had watched the video from Mama J's life celebration and shared some memories from Christmas's including her. Then, we read a book about Heaven. We have read this book before many times. But, the Holy Spirit called you on this night to respond. Right before bed time, you prayed a prayer from your heart without your Daddy or me instructing you. You spoke directly to God and He heard you, my dear boy!
"That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9
It kind of surprised your Daddy and me. To be honest, I didn't know if you understood fully what you were doing. I am sorry that I did not trust that you could believe at such a young age. You have since shown us that the Holy Spirit is indeed at work in your life. Praise GOD! I am humbled and overwhelmed with emotions by all of this.
I didn't know that through the significant loss we have experienced, you would grapple with your faith and find Jesus this early in your life. Glory! There was a party in Heaven on that day for you, Preston!
Luke 15:7 says "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
We also had a chance to talk to Mrs. Terri last Wednesday and read in the Bible again about what it means to be saved. We are so grateful for our Church and how much you have learned so far. You will continue to grow and learn more and more each day.
That makes my heart grow big!
Please know that we are here for you if you have any questions. You have Daddy and me, Papa J, Meemaw and Papa Wolff, your Sunday School teachers, church family and many more family and friends who support you and love you.
Most important of all, Jesus is and always will be there for you. He will never leave you, Preston!
I love your enthusiasm and your confidence in your Savior. You have such beautiful faith. The Lord has so much in store for you, mighty warrior! Your JOY is contagious. I love that about you.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
So many adventures to come, my son and now, my little brother in our forever family!
We love you!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
The Problem with Closure
Well, here it is. Tomorrow is the inevitable one year anniversary day of my Mom's passing...
I have been waiting and waiting for this day, hoping it would change things.
Closure if you will.
We have surpassed all the firsts.
My parents Anniversary, Easter, Mother's Day, me and Matt's birthday, 4th of July, Matt and I's Anniversary, the boys birthdays, her birthday, my Dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, plus MANY other significant milestones.
I have said all along through this month that my "New Year" will not officially start until after January 11th. Will it be like this every year? Probably.
She actually passed on a Tuesday, so today has been heavy with thoughts of all that happened that awful day.
I have been around the world (literally) and all over the USA over this last year. Partly to try to escape it all and partly because traveling always has been healing for me. She would have had a fit over Africa, LOL! Although, I probably never would have gone if she was still here.
Some thoughts:
You cannot run away from grief. You can try, but it will always come back.
You cannot put a timeline on grief or God.
There really isn't closure when you have lost a loved one.
The best way I can describe it is from one of my first blog posts in February, "Get her back up in the air" I wrote:
I also read "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. There is a chapter called "Unspeakable Grief."
"Amid the answers we think we know and the many we don't is this one: death stinks.
Death amputates a limb of your life. So Jesus wept. And in his tears we find permission to shed our own. F.B. Meyer wrote:
"Jesus wept. Peter wept. The Ephesian converts wept on the neck of the Apostle whose face they were never to see again. Christ stands by each mourner, saying, 'Weep, my child; weep, for I have wept.'
Tears relieve the burning brain, as a shower in the electric clouds. Tears discharge the insupportable agony of the heart, as an overflow lessens the pressure of the flood against the dam. Tears are the material out of which heaven weaves its brightest rainbow."
We don't know how long Jesus wept. We don't know how long David wept. But we know how long we weep... Am I the only one who senses that we hurry our hurts? Grief takes time. Give yourself some."
I have since come up with more to this concept...
This whole entire year, I have been relying on being carried by my Lord. I could not have done any of it without Him. He has held me close and I am just now feeling like I might be able to take some baby steps with His help. Learning to walk again beside Him is a long, hard process.
How do people get through tragedy without the HOPE of the Lord?
And through all of this year, He gave me some pretty amazing gifts.
If you have not heard my JOY story, you can read about it in one of my other posts from November, "The Lord has filled my heart with JOY." It is just a testimony to how good my God is and how faithful He is. Glory!
Currently, I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
If anyone wants to read about JOY through the ugly beautiful, this is the book for you.
Recently, I also read a book called "A Decembered Grief" by Harold Ivan Smith. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has had to lose a loved one through the holidays or any time for that matter.
I would also recommend "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis.
OK, enough of Shiloh's book recommendations. Lol! Sorry, I love reading.
Here are some more thoughts for my own keeping:
I still miss calling her about nothing or about really important stuff. Hearing her say "It feels like we haven't talked in ages" even just after a day or two.
I miss watching her with my boys. They love Mama J and she loved them hard core. She was our number one babysitter, no matter when or how long or for what. She was there.
I miss her calling me "Shiloh Dawn."
I miss traveling together. We had some adventures. I am so grateful for our Disney World trip. The boys will have those memories forever.
I miss going to the theatre with her.
I miss her awkward affection.
I miss her typed thank you notes.
I miss her gifts. She was a gift giver. That was her love language for sure.
The boys miss making cookies and cupcakes with her. And water balloons and slides at the "new" house.
They still talk about the children's museum in Seminole and the Omniplex.
Bennett still says I don't swing him as high as Mama J.
Preston misses her letting him play non-stop on her computer or I-Touch.
I miss movies in Chandler at the ghetto movie theatre.
I miss our lunches.
I miss her. All the time. Every day.
She would hate me drawing attention to her like this.
But, what can I say? Lonely the only. She was my best friend. And this is just a glimpse.
Thank you for your prayers through out this last year and even this week.
I will write more soon about all this year has taught me. But for now, for tonight, this is where I am one year later.
Well, thanks for listening to my ramblings. Since tomorrow is my first "dark day," I probably will not be on, so I wanted to put some thoughts out there. Thanks for your encouragement, support, love and prayers.
Be blessed.
I have been waiting and waiting for this day, hoping it would change things.
Closure if you will.
We have surpassed all the firsts.
My parents Anniversary, Easter, Mother's Day, me and Matt's birthday, 4th of July, Matt and I's Anniversary, the boys birthdays, her birthday, my Dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, plus MANY other significant milestones.
I have said all along through this month that my "New Year" will not officially start until after January 11th. Will it be like this every year? Probably.
She actually passed on a Tuesday, so today has been heavy with thoughts of all that happened that awful day.
I have been around the world (literally) and all over the USA over this last year. Partly to try to escape it all and partly because traveling always has been healing for me. She would have had a fit over Africa, LOL! Although, I probably never would have gone if she was still here.
Some thoughts:
You cannot run away from grief. You can try, but it will always come back.
You cannot put a timeline on grief or God.
There really isn't closure when you have lost a loved one.
The best way I can describe it is from one of my first blog posts in February, "Get her back up in the air" I wrote:
I also read "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado. There is a chapter called "Unspeakable Grief."
"Amid the answers we think we know and the many we don't is this one: death stinks.
Death amputates a limb of your life. So Jesus wept. And in his tears we find permission to shed our own. F.B. Meyer wrote:
"Jesus wept. Peter wept. The Ephesian converts wept on the neck of the Apostle whose face they were never to see again. Christ stands by each mourner, saying, 'Weep, my child; weep, for I have wept.'
Tears relieve the burning brain, as a shower in the electric clouds. Tears discharge the insupportable agony of the heart, as an overflow lessens the pressure of the flood against the dam. Tears are the material out of which heaven weaves its brightest rainbow."
We don't know how long Jesus wept. We don't know how long David wept. But we know how long we weep... Am I the only one who senses that we hurry our hurts? Grief takes time. Give yourself some."
I have since come up with more to this concept...
This whole entire year, I have been relying on being carried by my Lord. I could not have done any of it without Him. He has held me close and I am just now feeling like I might be able to take some baby steps with His help. Learning to walk again beside Him is a long, hard process.
How do people get through tragedy without the HOPE of the Lord?
And through all of this year, He gave me some pretty amazing gifts.
If you have not heard my JOY story, you can read about it in one of my other posts from November, "The Lord has filled my heart with JOY." It is just a testimony to how good my God is and how faithful He is. Glory!
Currently, I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
If anyone wants to read about JOY through the ugly beautiful, this is the book for you.
Recently, I also read a book called "A Decembered Grief" by Harold Ivan Smith. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has had to lose a loved one through the holidays or any time for that matter.
I would also recommend "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis.
OK, enough of Shiloh's book recommendations. Lol! Sorry, I love reading.
Here are some more thoughts for my own keeping:
I still miss calling her about nothing or about really important stuff. Hearing her say "It feels like we haven't talked in ages" even just after a day or two.
I miss watching her with my boys. They love Mama J and she loved them hard core. She was our number one babysitter, no matter when or how long or for what. She was there.
I miss her calling me "Shiloh Dawn."
I miss traveling together. We had some adventures. I am so grateful for our Disney World trip. The boys will have those memories forever.
I miss going to the theatre with her.
I miss her awkward affection.
I miss her typed thank you notes.
I miss her gifts. She was a gift giver. That was her love language for sure.
The boys miss making cookies and cupcakes with her. And water balloons and slides at the "new" house.
They still talk about the children's museum in Seminole and the Omniplex.
Bennett still says I don't swing him as high as Mama J.
Preston misses her letting him play non-stop on her computer or I-Touch.
I miss movies in Chandler at the ghetto movie theatre.
I miss our lunches.
I miss her. All the time. Every day.
She would hate me drawing attention to her like this.
But, what can I say? Lonely the only. She was my best friend. And this is just a glimpse.
Thank you for your prayers through out this last year and even this week.
I will write more soon about all this year has taught me. But for now, for tonight, this is where I am one year later.
Well, thanks for listening to my ramblings. Since tomorrow is my first "dark day," I probably will not be on, so I wanted to put some thoughts out there. Thanks for your encouragement, support, love and prayers.
Be blessed.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving
I have really enjoyed all the posts about what everyone is thankful for. It is so good to read and be encouraged by people being thankful. May we not just stop after tomorrow.
Personally, I have had a hard time putting into words what the Lord has brought to mind for me this Thanksgiving. For me, it has been to be grateful for the things I take for granted.
I am so spoiled.
When I got home from Africa, I immediately took a shower after 48 hours of flying/traveling. I took a long, hot shower... and I cried. I cried because not everyone has hot water to take long, hot showers in. I have seen this. It is a reality that is permanently etched in my head.
After my long, hot shower, I used a fresh, clean towel. I use clean towels and wash cloths every time I wash. My whole family does... Not everyone has towels and wash cloths. My team was able to bring donated towels to Canaan Children's Home in Uganda. TOWELS!
Who knew a towel, even a sham wow, super absorbent, quick dry, type towel, could be a treasure? One towel?!
Next break down I had was at Wal-Mart. I was fine until the Ziploc bags... let me explain. Many of our crafts were held in Ziploc bags. One of the crafts we made with some of these children was a Lion pillow.
My team leader wrote a beautiful post about this specifically. If you would like to read it, here is the link.
http://5walkbyfaith.blogspot.com/2011/11/comfort-of-lion.html
They do not have pillows, so this was yet another treasure. A little fleece pillow. The Ziploc bag was just an added benefit. I now know that Ziploc bags are something that you don't throw away... another treasure.
Have I mentioned how spoiled I am?!
Wal-Mart is hard for me now. Everything right at your fingertips. I now have the hardest time walking down the Beans aisle. There are children who literally only eat beans and rice as little as twice a week... a WEEK!!! This is such a hard reality for me now that I have seen it with my own eyes. It haunts me and keeps me awake at night.
I could also mention electricity. How at Fiwagoh in Kenya, the electricity went out A LOT. And these beautiful children praised Jesus by flashlights and lanterns. It was Heavenly.
Here is a video of some sweet praise in the dark at Canaan in Uganda...
I don't mean to sound depressing. I have really tried to share the "good" stories first...
This Thanksgiving, my perspective has had to be rocked to get my mind off my Mom not being here. Here I am at 2:00 AM awake, writing about Africa, because I can't stop thinking about my Mom and how last Thanksgiving was just...
I am grateful for so many things. Too many to write out. I just wanted to share what has been on my heart ever since I returned from Africa.
I would love for you to get involved to help. There are so many ways. For now, I want to share this opportunity with you once again.
http://withwingedfeet.blogspot.com/2011/11/program-21.html
This is one of many ways you can help. I met Becca at Canaan Children's Home in Uganda. She lived there for over 2 months and knows specifically needs that you can help with. PLEASE read this and (Lord willing and prayerfully) donate.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Thank you for taking the time to read this and get involved.
Live it out!
For His Glory!
Personally, I have had a hard time putting into words what the Lord has brought to mind for me this Thanksgiving. For me, it has been to be grateful for the things I take for granted.
I am so spoiled.
When I got home from Africa, I immediately took a shower after 48 hours of flying/traveling. I took a long, hot shower... and I cried. I cried because not everyone has hot water to take long, hot showers in. I have seen this. It is a reality that is permanently etched in my head.
After my long, hot shower, I used a fresh, clean towel. I use clean towels and wash cloths every time I wash. My whole family does... Not everyone has towels and wash cloths. My team was able to bring donated towels to Canaan Children's Home in Uganda. TOWELS!
Who knew a towel, even a sham wow, super absorbent, quick dry, type towel, could be a treasure? One towel?!
Next break down I had was at Wal-Mart. I was fine until the Ziploc bags... let me explain. Many of our crafts were held in Ziploc bags. One of the crafts we made with some of these children was a Lion pillow.
My team leader wrote a beautiful post about this specifically. If you would like to read it, here is the link.
http://5walkbyfaith.blogspot.com/2011/11/comfort-of-lion.html
They do not have pillows, so this was yet another treasure. A little fleece pillow. The Ziploc bag was just an added benefit. I now know that Ziploc bags are something that you don't throw away... another treasure.
Have I mentioned how spoiled I am?!
Wal-Mart is hard for me now. Everything right at your fingertips. I now have the hardest time walking down the Beans aisle. There are children who literally only eat beans and rice as little as twice a week... a WEEK!!! This is such a hard reality for me now that I have seen it with my own eyes. It haunts me and keeps me awake at night.
Here is a video of some sweet praise in the dark at Canaan in Uganda...
I don't mean to sound depressing. I have really tried to share the "good" stories first...
This Thanksgiving, my perspective has had to be rocked to get my mind off my Mom not being here. Here I am at 2:00 AM awake, writing about Africa, because I can't stop thinking about my Mom and how last Thanksgiving was just...
I am grateful for so many things. Too many to write out. I just wanted to share what has been on my heart ever since I returned from Africa.
I would love for you to get involved to help. There are so many ways. For now, I want to share this opportunity with you once again.
http://withwingedfeet.blogspot.com/2011/11/program-21.html
This is one of many ways you can help. I met Becca at Canaan Children's Home in Uganda. She lived there for over 2 months and knows specifically needs that you can help with. PLEASE read this and (Lord willing and prayerfully) donate.
Have a blessed Thanksgiving. Thank you for taking the time to read this and get involved.
Live it out!
For His Glory!
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