Spirit of Survival

Today marks the start of a new tradition for my little family.  Matt and I, Preston and Bennett all ran in memory of Mama J in the Spirit of Survival.  Now, when I say run, I really mean Matt and Preston ran while Bennett and I ran/walked.  Still, the four of us "ran" for Mama J.  The reason this is so significant deserves more of an explanation, so I thought I would write about it.  Thanks for humoring me as I ramble.

This is a really big deal for me and I want to give glory to God for how far He has brought me in the last 2 years. 

Many of my closest friends know how anti I am against anything cancer related, especially breast cancer.  October is so hard because it is breast cancer awareness month and I am not especially fond of anything pink.  I used to be on the other side of breast cancer awareness.  I used to wear pink and buy the fundraising shirts, etc.  In fact, two years ago, my friend Shirley, ran in the Spirit of Survival in Honor of my Mom (who was a Survivor at that point) which was so special.

Two years ago, I did believe in certain things. Actually, two years ago, I believed my Mom was a breast cancer survivor... and she was for about a month or so. It never occured to me that other cancer that would spread from the original breast cancer would take her life. 

Here's an FYI for those of you who do not know much about my bitterness toward breast cancer, you need to know some history.  My Mom was misdiagnosed originally and blown off by a horrible doctor.  Once she was actually diagnosed, the cancer had spread (like fingers) all over her literally.  Even the Oncologists, yes 2 different oncologists, told her it was pretty much too late for chemo and radiation.  From official diagnosis to her untimely death, it was only 11 months.  The type of cancer she had was not the kind most survivors walk away from.  There is a lot more to say about all this, but that is not what I want to emphasize today.  I just wanted you to get a bit of the picture on why I am so anti everything cancer. 

Anyway, all of these and many more factors have contributed to my wanting to avoid everything cancer related, even the good causes.  It was just too difficult.  I would cry when I saw anything pink, so this month is hard.

Today is a new day.  When the boys brought home the brochure from school talking about the Spirit of Survival, I actually was not repulsed by the whole thing.  That is HUGE.  Yay God!

The theme for the Kids Marathon is superheroes, so it was easy to think of a name for us.  Mama J's Super Hero Squad.  We even made t-shirts.  Matt was Captain America, I was Super Girl (there are not a lot of girl supers), Preston was Iron Man and Bennett was the Hulk.  On the back of our shirts, we ironed on matching designs.





I am so proud of our little family.  I think this is a good tradition to begin even if it is hard, which it is and probably always will be.  I have been emotional all day.  Actually, I have been emotional all week because of the boys birthdays and will be tomorrow.  We are planning some special things to celebrate Mama J tomorrow as well.  But, I do like that this is something we can do every year to honor her memory.  The boys understand this was all for Mama J and I like that.  They even got medals! 

Mama J, you are always in our hearts...

As for me, I just wanted to celebrate this small, but mighty step.  I still may not be able to wear pink or celebrate breast cancer awareness in the month of October, but look at me, I am growing.  I am Super Shiloh!  LOL!  That is something... Glory to God!

Divine Appointment

There are some moments when you just know the Lord had you be somewhere exactly at that right specific time for His specific purpose.

This happened to me today!  Glory!

There I was, standing in line at Billy Sims BBQ, with my family.  I was actually on the phone with a sweet friend who is arranging airport pick ups for some of our new Cameron University international students.

My phone lost signal... (I should have taken this as my first sign that the Lord was up to something!)

A woman standing behind me asks me what the front of my shirt says.  So, I turn around. 

Today, I am wearing my "love others" shirt.  She had read the back which has this verse:

"Learn to do good!  Seek justice,  rescue the oppressed.  Defend the orphan, plead for the widow."
Isaiah 1:17

She asked me where she could get one of these shirts.  She told me she really needed that encouragement today.

My phone rang.  I told my friend I would have to call her back.  It was craziness at Billy Sims.  Plus, I had to chat with this woman!

I told this woman my shirt was a fundraiser for a friend of mine who is adopting a child from Africa.  She immediately digs in her purse and hands me $5.  Could you give them this?  I would love to help contribute to such a good cause.

I cannot contain myself... I ask her name.  She tells me and then says how she had been having such a rough day.  She starts getting teary eyed.

"I just found out my Mom was diagnosed with cancer."  She says.

OK, seriously!!!  Lord, only You knew that I would happen to be in front of this beautiful woman at Billy Sims...

I share a bit of my story with her and we converse while holding up the line at Billy Sims.  She tells me she had to leave her job today to get some stuff going for her Mom.  I ask her about church.  She goes to another local church and I tell her where I go and how my husband is the Student Pastor at Cameron Baptist.  She starts to almost cry again and tells me she has 3 children of youth age that she has wanted to get plugged into church.  And that her Dad's wife goes to our church. 

Seriously!!!

I told her I would text message her where I got my shirt and that I would be praying for her.  I also said I would send her some Scriptures and some books that I have read to hopefully encourage her.  She starts to cry again. 

The poor Billy Sims workers.  They did not know what to do with the two crazy women who kept hugging and crying and laughing all at once. 

Matt just laughed at me.  No surprise to him that I would be chatting it up with a total stranger, hugging and exchanging phone numbers!  He knows me so well.

This moment was such a simple reminder for me.  What if my phone had not lost signal?  I would have totally missed out on this divine appointment, this moment that led to a feeling of wonder and awe of my Lord.

How many opportunities do I miss? 

This woman's $5 may not seem like much, but to me, it was a reminder of the Widow's mite.  (See Luke 21:1-4)  And she did not have to give me this $5.  She doesn't know me...

I will be sending my friend, Shelley, this $5 with a prayer of blessing for God to multiply this special gift for their sweet family!

My God is so AMAZING!

Musings of a Mzungu

While in Uganda, everywhere we went, many people (of all ages) would call out; "Hey, Mzungu, how are you?"  I thought it was so funny.  I even bought a t-shirt that says "MZUNGU" on it.  I have no idea if children or adults over there even know what it means.  We were told it basically meant foreigner.

Well, when I got back, I googled the term, "mzungu."
Literally translated it means "someone who roams around aimlessly" or "aimless wanderer."

Some people would be offended by this.  In fact, I would hear people trying to correct children by asking them to call them "Auntie" or "Uncle."  They would say, "I am not a Mzungu!" 

Personally, I found truth in it.

Have you ever been in a season of wandering or roaming around aimlessly?

If you have not, then, you should probably stop reading this...

I can honestly say that over the last year and a half, I have had many, many times of aimless wandering. 

It struck me quickly after my Mom found out the cancer had spread to the lining of her brain.

It came on strong when I was her care giver and there was this indescribable, overwhelming feeling of helplessness.

It blind-sided me when I watched my Mom breathe her last breath.

It occurred when I quit my job/ministry at the Pregnancy Resource Center.

It hit me hard when I traveled all the way to East Africa and saw things that started a whole new, different grief process in my life.

It still happens when I lay awake at night unable to turn off my mind to the things I have seen, smelled, heard, touched and experienced.

"Aimless Wanderer."  MZUNGU.  Yep, that pretty much sums up this last year or so.

It has been a very bizarre and new feeling, although I do feel like I am beginning to move forward, which is good.  Sometimes it feels like I am just coming out of a fog or coming up to the surface from under water or climbing out of a pit.  Again, the best analogy I have read so far is the learning to walk again after losing a limb.

Hopefully, prayerfully, with the Lord's help, this Mzungu is starting to find some direction again.

Since January 12, 2012, I have kept a planner of JOY.  Each day, I have written a JOY Scripture and a JOY quote.  JOY!  JOY!  JOY!

That's a lot of JOY!

I give Glory to God for bringing healing JOY in my life every day.  It is definitely a day to day, moment by moment process.

I am being challenged in new ways. 

I can't just sing these words and not live them out...

"Everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss."  (Lead me to the Cross lyrics)

"It's all about You, Jesus."  (Jesus, Lover of my soul lyrics)

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours."  (Hosanna lyrics)

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible.  Faith without deeds is dead."  (Albertine lyrics)

"There are no orphans of God."  (Orphans of God lyrics)

Here are some words from a book that I have been reading recently.  My dear friend, Mary Smith, gave me this book.  It is called "Hope Lives, A Journey to Restoration" by Amber Van Schooneveld.

"Help me not to let my all-about-me attitude persuade me to neglect those You want me to reach.  I want You to transform me to be like Jesus."

"I want God to transform my heart by the Holy Spirit so that I love what God loves, so that mercy naturally flows out of me.  I want to show others mercy because it was first shown to me; to offer mercy to others as fellow guests at God's table, not as a benevolent queen offering scraps to beggars at my feet."

"If I give every last cent, but I don't do it in Your love, it's a waste.  Mercy is attached to my heart.  God, please change my heart.  I give it to You.  Transform it to love with Your love."

"Guilt is not the point.  I don't need guilt; I need love."

"True charity is love."

"I want to turn away from my cold charity and my willing ignorance."

"Thank You that I know You're just waiting to do this."

Can you hear my toes crunching?

So, all this to say, this Mzungu is preparing for something.  I don't exactly know what it looks like, but I know I am pressing on toward it.  Forward progress is a good thing.

We all need to be passionate... even when we are wandering aimlessly. 

Waiting is not my forte, but no matter what or when, I am fixing my eyes on Jesus.

Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.  - James 4:17

Here are some of my passions (old and new):  Evangelism, My Family, Mentoring, Leading Worship, Missions, Advocating for Orphans, Reading, Writing, Learning, Travel, JOY!!!

I would love to hear what you are passionate about and what you are pressing on toward, so that we can pray for each other.

Thank you for reading this Mzungu's ramblings!

May my "aimless wandering" be turned around and focused for His Glory!

It's official, I am just like my Mother

I am officially enrolled at Cameron University for Fall 2012! 

This process began around February of this year.  I decided one day to just go across the street.  As many of you know, my husband, Matt works at Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, OK.  Our Church is literally across the street from Cameron University.   So, after a lunch date with Matt, I walked across the street to the campus.  It makes so much sense to me now that being on a college campus would make me feel at home.  The day I set foot on campus to inquire about attending, I felt a rush of something I had not felt in a while.  It felt good, comfortable.  I felt a sense of belonging and I felt my Mom.  This may not make sense to you, but it is the truth for me.

Some of you may not know that I pretty much grew up on a college campus.  My Mom worked at UCO as a computer programmer for over 30 years and received her MBA there.  She actually loved learning.  When UCO offered free tuition for employees, she jumped on it.  She was brilliant and set the curve in all of her classes.  She loved learning.  That was her hobby.  A thirst for knowledge.  I think it is absolutely priceless that there is a memorial scholarship at UCO in her name to continue on her legacy of learning.  Maybe some day my boys will attend as well!

UCO has always meant so much to me.  I met my husband at the BSU (BCM) there.  Matt and I both graduated from there.  Our BCM Director, Charles Lillard, officiated my Mom's memorial service and hosted her Life Celebration after.  We love UCO! 

Now, here I am, 12 years after graduating from UCO, a Cameron University college student!!!  I can hear my Mom's voice telling me to get a Masters Degree... not gonna happen!  First, Cameron does not offer a Masters in Communication.  Oh, that's a shame!  Lol.  I really have no desire to get a Masters degree at this point.  However, I am looking forward to the fun classes I am going to take! 

Intro to Creative Writing and Exploring Multiculturalism, plus a 2 Saturday workshop on Non-fiction Writing.

I have really enjoyed writing over the last year.  My plan is to write something where the proceeds can go to benefit Haven of Hope in Kenya, where I found JOY!  My friend Amber is going there to serve for a year.  So, we shall see what the Lord has in store.

A friend asked me recently what I enjoy doing.  She said I had mentioned things I don't like to do (mainly crafty stuff that I am not naturally good at), so what is it that I enjoy doing?  This question really got to me.  My Mom always joked that she had no personality and was pretty boring.  I had to stop and think about what I do like to do.  Since then, I have realized several things.  I won't bore you with some of the awareness the Lord has brought me to.  I will share this.  One thing is, like my Mother, I enjoy learning.  So I guess one of my new hobbies is going to be school!  Who would have thought?!  I am becoming just like my Mother.  Lol.  I actually think that is something to be proud of regarding the value she put on education.  She definitely passed this on to me and I hope some day this love of learning will continue on with my boys! 

Anyway, this is my news for now.  I am really looking forward to being on campus in the Fall.  I have been a bit frustrated not knowing what was next and now I have something to look forward to.  Praise God!

Thank you for your support and prayers!  I am expecting great things for His Glory!

All Star Bucket Fillers

Today, Bennett received his first "Bucket Filler" award in Pre-K.  This award is given out to two students per class once a quarter, so it is a pretty big honor.  The award is based on the childrens book, "Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids."
 
"As the pages turn, children learn the meaning of the terms, bucket filling and bucket dipping and discover that when they fill someone's bucket, they fill their own. This popular book's call to action is: Why not decide to be a bucket filler today and every day?"

His teacher said this about him.  "I love to see you smile every morning.  When you smile, it makes me smile.  You are such a loving, caring and compassionate classmate to all your friends.  Thank you for being a great bucket filler."

I love this about my boys!  They really are Bucket Fillers.  They give JOY!  They fill people's buckets with kind words and love.  You can't help but be filled to overflowing when you encounter them.

Did I mention Preston has also received this award in Kindergarten and First Grade?

This makes me one proud Momma!  May they never lose sight of the power of encouragement! 

I am humbled by how easy this comes for them.  When do we as adults forget about this being a priority? 

I have definitely been learning about seeking JOY, but do I always strive to give it?  I learn so much from my children.  They inspire and motivate me in so many ways.

I am blessed and so grateful!  Glory to God for my two Bucket Fillers!

Every time your name comes up in my prayers, I say, "Oh, thank You, God!" I keep hearing of the love and faith you have for the Master Jesus, which brims over to other believers. And I keep praying that this faith we hold in common keeps showing up in the good things we do, and that people recognize Christ in all of it. Friend, you have no idea how good your love makes me feel, doubly so when I see your hospitality to fellow believers. 

Philemon 1:4-7 (MSG)

May we all fill someone's bucket today and every day!

God is good, all the time... and that's His nature, WOW!!!

In Kenya, at Fiwagoh, they would say this well known phrase. 
"God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.  And that's His nature, WOWWWW!!!"

I first heard the phrase; "God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good," from Craig Groeschel, Pastor of Lifechurch.tv about 13 years ago, when I was first dating Matt.  Craig would speak at Council Road Baptist Church every Tuesday night at Metro Bible Study.  Since Matt was the College Pastor at Council Road, we were regulars at Metro Bible Study.  And pretty much every Tuesday, Craig would get up and say "God is good."  Then we would say, "All the time."  Then he would say, "All the time."  Then we would say, "God is good."

So, to hear this phrase in Kenya, Africa was quite surreal!!!  But, I love the tag line they use.  "And that's His nature, WOWWWWWW!!!"  Everyone just smiled so big as they said this.  I assume it is something Pastor Benson taught them.  He is very quotable as well.

All this to say, God is REALLY good! 

I just have to make much of something that just happened.

The reason all of this is so significant is how the Lord can bring situations and people together for His Glory in so many ways.  It truthfully just blows my mind!

Here is the story.  Buckle up.  I haven't written in a while, so this is bound to be lengthy!  Lol.

My dear friend, Amber Lewis, is back in Africa right now.  She is on her second Visiting Orphans trip and will be working with children in Ethiopia and Uganda.  She is the one who invited me to go with her on my first VO trip in October to Kenya and Uganda.

Amber is an amazing woman.  This coming July, she is moving to Kenya for a year.  Her heart is to serve at Haven of Hope (where I found my JOY).  While there, she will be searching for a child or sibling group to adopt and bring back here to Oklahoma!  Can you say WOWWWW!!!

Amber is one of my "Precious Jewels."  When I first married Matt, I had a group of college aged girls that would come over once a week.  We were called Precious Jewels.  We would do Bible study, prayer and accountability.  She became one of my closest friends.  I am so grateful that over these last 13 years, we have remained in touch.  Quite frankly, she has been one of the most loyal friends that I could have.  She helped put up guttering on one of our first houses.  She has helped us move numerous times.  Lol.  She came and visited us in South Padre Island.  She surprised me on the day of my Mom's mastectomy and showed up at Mercy Hospital with a care package.  She also came to my Mom's Memorial service and Life Celebration after.  She waited a really long time that day just to hug me.  She has been someone who has checked in on me a lot over this last year.  She also knows me and knows my heart.  I will never forget her phone call last summer when she said she felt the Lord wanted her to ask me to GO with her on a trip to AFRICA.  I cannot describe how incredibly grateful I am for her.  She is more like a sister, even though I know she has lots of other sisters.  I don't.  I have very few people in my life that I know I could count on for just about anything and Amber is one of those people.  She is special.  Our relationship has almost reversed over the years from me being a proud Momma type to now standing in awe as she mentors, inspires and motivates me.  I just can't say enough about her.  By the way, she will not like that I am going on and on about her.  She does not like to be in the spot light.  She is a hard core, git r done, no time to waste girl.  And she takes what the Lord calls her to do very seriously.  I am a big fan!!!

And now she is going to LIVE in AFRICA!!!  She just rocks! 

If you would like to help support Amber, PLEASE contact me.  She has to raise her own funds and support. 

This Sunday, I had one of our college students give me a check to send to her.  The neat part about this is this college student is from the Ivory Coast.  Isn't it just like the Lord to bring a college student here to Lawton, Oklahoma all the way from Africa to learn about my friend, one of our former college students from Oklahoma City, who is now going to live in Africa.

I LOVE THAT!!!

I love that 13 years after I met Amber, she is now going and being Love, living it out, for His Glory to Kenya.  She will get to hold my baby JOY (who isn't a baby anymore!) every day for a year.  I am so jealous! 

I love Africa and I do long to go back some day.  As soon as my boys are old enough, oh we are going!  Maybe Amber will come with us with her kids too, Lord willing!!! 

I love that we are all connected as believers all over the world.

I love that every week, I get to be around a bunch of international students from Africa and all over!  I feel so at home when I am with them.  When I get to Heaven, I sure hope my freckled white face will be in a beautiful African choir, praising Jesus for all of eternity.

God is good, all the time.  All the time, God is good.  And that's His Nature, WOWWWWW!!!

JOY for my son becoming my brother in Christ

Dear Preston,

Today was a very proud moment for us.  You stood in front of Cameron Baptist Church in Lawton, Oklahoma and declared that you have asked Jesus into your heart and your life.  We are so thrilled for this life changing decision. 

I had no idea that this day would come so soon.  We have been praying for this day since before you were born. 

On December 12, 2004, your Daddy and I presented you as a baby to be dedicated at Emmaus Baptist Church in Oklahoma City.  That was a very special day, but not as special as the day you asked Jesus to come into your heart and wash away all your sins.

On December 27, 2011, we had watched the video from Mama J's life celebration and shared some memories from Christmas's including her.  Then, we read a book about Heaven.  We have read this book before many times.  But, the Holy Spirit called you on this night to respond.  Right before bed time, you prayed a prayer from your heart without your Daddy or me instructing you.  You spoke directly to God and He heard you, my dear boy!

"That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."  Romans 10:9

It kind of surprised your Daddy and me.  To be honest, I didn't know if you understood fully what you were doing.  I am sorry that I did not trust that you could believe at such a young age.  You have since shown us that the Holy Spirit is indeed at work in your life.  Praise GOD!  I am humbled and overwhelmed with emotions by all of this.  

I didn't know that through the significant loss we have experienced, you would grapple with your faith and find Jesus this early in your life.  Glory!  There was a party in Heaven on that day for you, Preston! 

Luke 15:7 says "I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." 

We also had a chance to talk to Mrs. Terri last Wednesday and read in the Bible again about what it means to be saved.  We are so grateful for our Church and how much you have learned so far.  You will continue to grow and learn more and more each day.  

That makes my heart grow big!

Please know that we are here for you if you have any questions.  You have Daddy and me, Papa J, Meemaw and Papa Wolff, your Sunday School teachers, church family and many more family and friends who support you and love you.  

Most important of all, Jesus is and always will be there for you.  He will never leave you, Preston!  

I love your enthusiasm and your confidence in your Savior.  You have such beautiful faith.  The Lord has so much in store for you, mighty warrior!  Your JOY is contagious.  I love that about you.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."  Romans 15:13

So many adventures to come, my son and now, my little brother in our forever family!

We love you!

The Problem with Closure

Well, here it is.  Tomorrow is the inevitable one year anniversary day of my Mom's passing...
I have been waiting and waiting for this day, hoping it would change things.

Closure if you will.

We have surpassed all the firsts.

My parents Anniversary, Easter, Mother's Day, me and Matt's birthday, 4th of July, Matt and I's Anniversary, the boys birthdays, her birthday, my Dad's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, plus MANY other significant milestones.

I have said all along through this month that my "New Year" will not officially start until after January 11th.  Will it be like this every year?  Probably.

She actually passed on a Tuesday, so today has been heavy with thoughts of all that happened that awful day.

I have been around the world (literally) and all over the USA over this last year.  Partly to try to escape it all and partly because traveling always has been healing for me.  She would have had a fit over Africa, LOL!  Although, I probably never would have gone if she was still here.

Some thoughts:
You cannot run away from grief.  You can try, but it will always come back.
You cannot put a timeline on grief or God.
There really isn't closure when you have lost a loved one.
The best way I can describe it is from one of my first blog posts in February, "Get her back up in the air" I wrote:

I also read "Facing Your Giants" by Max Lucado.  There is a chapter called "Unspeakable Grief."
"Amid the answers we think we know and the many we don't is this one:  death stinks.
Death amputates a limb of your life.  So Jesus wept.  And in his tears we find permission to shed our own.  F.B. Meyer wrote:  
"Jesus wept.  Peter wept.  The Ephesian converts wept on the neck of the Apostle whose face they were never to see again.  Christ stands by each mourner, saying, 'Weep, my child; weep, for I have wept.' 
Tears relieve the burning brain, as a shower in the electric clouds.  Tears discharge the insupportable agony of the heart, as an overflow lessens the pressure of the flood against the dam.  Tears are the material out of which heaven weaves its brightest rainbow."
We don't know how long Jesus wept.  We don't know how long David wept.  But we know how long we weep... Am I the only one who senses that we hurry our hurts?  Grief takes time.  Give yourself some."

I have since come up with more to this concept...
This whole entire year, I have been relying on being carried by my Lord.  I could not have done any of it without Him.  He has held me close and I am just now feeling like I might be able to take some baby steps with His help.  Learning to walk again beside Him is a long, hard process.

How do people get through tragedy without the HOPE of the Lord?

And through all of this year, He gave me some pretty amazing gifts.

If you have not heard my JOY story, you can read about it in one of my other posts from November, "The Lord has filled my heart with JOY."  It is just a testimony to how good my God is and how faithful He is.  Glory!

Currently, I am reading "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp.
If anyone wants to read about JOY through the ugly beautiful, this is the book for you.

Recently, I also read a book called "A Decembered Grief" by Harold Ivan Smith.  I would HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who has had to lose a loved one through the holidays or any time for that matter. 

I would also recommend "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis.

OK, enough of Shiloh's book recommendations.  Lol!  Sorry, I love reading.

Here are some more thoughts for my own keeping:

I still miss calling her about nothing or about really important stuff.  Hearing her say "It feels like we haven't talked in ages" even just after a day or two.

I miss watching her with my boys.  They love Mama J and she loved them hard core.  She was our number one babysitter, no matter when or how long or for what.  She was there.

I miss her calling me "Shiloh Dawn."

I miss traveling together.  We had some adventures.  I am so grateful for our Disney World trip.  The boys will have those memories forever.

I miss going to the theatre with her.

I miss her awkward affection.

I miss her typed thank you notes.

I miss her gifts.  She was a gift giver.  That was her love language for sure.

The boys miss making cookies and cupcakes with her.  And water balloons and slides at the "new" house.

They still talk about the children's museum in Seminole and the Omniplex.

Bennett still says I don't swing him as high as Mama J.

Preston misses her letting him play non-stop on her computer or I-Touch.

I miss movies in Chandler at the ghetto movie theatre.

I miss our lunches.

I miss her.  All the time.  Every day. 

She would hate me drawing attention to her like this.

But, what can I say?  Lonely the only.  She was my best friend.  And this is just a glimpse.

Thank you for your prayers through out this last year and even this week. 
I will write more soon about all this year has taught me.  But for now, for tonight, this is where I am one year later.

Well, thanks for listening to my ramblings.  Since tomorrow is my first "dark day," I probably will not be on, so I wanted to put some thoughts out there.  Thanks for your encouragement, support, love and prayers.

Be blessed.

Thanksgiving

I have really enjoyed all the posts about what everyone is thankful for.  It is so good to read and be encouraged by people being thankful.  May we not just stop after tomorrow.

Personally, I have had a hard time putting into words what the Lord has brought to mind for me this Thanksgiving.  For me, it has been to be grateful for the things I take for granted. 

I am so spoiled.

When I got home from Africa, I immediately took a shower after 48 hours of flying/traveling.  I took a long, hot shower... and I cried.  I cried because not everyone has hot water to take long, hot showers in.  I have seen this.  It is a reality that is permanently etched in my head.

After my long, hot shower, I used a fresh, clean towel.  I use clean towels and wash cloths every time I wash.  My whole family does... Not everyone has towels and wash cloths.  My team was able to bring donated towels to Canaan Children's Home in Uganda.  TOWELS!

Who knew a towel, even a sham wow, super absorbent, quick dry, type towel, could be a treasure?  One towel?!

Next break down I had was at Wal-Mart.  I was fine until the Ziploc bags... let me explain.  Many of our crafts were held in Ziploc bags.  One of the crafts we made with some of these children was a Lion pillow. 

My team leader wrote a beautiful post about this specifically.  If you would like to read it, here is the link.

http://5walkbyfaith.blogspot.com/2011/11/comfort-of-lion.html

They do not have pillows, so this was yet another treasure.  A little fleece pillow.  The Ziploc bag was just an added benefit.  I now know that Ziploc bags are something that you don't throw away... another treasure.

Have I mentioned how spoiled I am?! 

Wal-Mart is hard for me now.  Everything right at your fingertips.  I now have the hardest time walking down the Beans aisle.  There are children who literally only eat beans and rice as little as twice a week... a WEEK!!!  This is such a hard reality for me now that I have seen it with my own eyes.  It haunts me and keeps me awake at night.

I could also mention electricity.  How at Fiwagoh in Kenya, the electricity went out A LOT.  And these beautiful children praised Jesus by flashlights and lanterns.  It was Heavenly.

Here is a video of some sweet praise in the dark at Canaan in Uganda...

I don't mean to sound depressing.  I have really tried to share the "good" stories first...

This Thanksgiving, my perspective has had to be rocked to get my mind off my Mom not being here.  Here I am at 2:00 AM awake, writing about Africa, because I can't stop thinking about my Mom and how last Thanksgiving was just...

I am grateful for so many things.  Too many to write out.  I just wanted to share what has been on my heart ever since I returned from Africa.

I would love for you to get involved to help.  There are so many ways.  For now, I want to share this opportunity with you once again.

http://withwingedfeet.blogspot.com/2011/11/program-21.html

This is one of many ways you can help.  I met Becca at Canaan Children's Home in Uganda.  She lived there for over 2 months and knows specifically needs that you can help with.  PLEASE read this and (Lord willing and prayerfully) donate.


Have a blessed Thanksgiving.  Thank you for taking the time to read this and get involved.
Live it out!
For His Glory!

The Lord has filled my heart with JOY

I have debated whether or not to share this story.  It feels more like a gift that the Lord gave to me specifically and I don't ever want to minimize it.  This was such a special moment.  Selfishly, I wanted to keep this story just for me.  I hope you can truly understand why it meant so much to me that He would give me such a blessing.

I bought a journal on June 8, 2011.  On the cover, it has the Scripture 1 Samuel 2:1 (NCV) "The Lord has filled my heart with joy." 

The day I bought this journal was the day I received a phone call from my friend, Amber Lewis, who told me about this amazing opportunity with an organization called Visiting Orphans.

The day before this phone call, I had posted a blog about needing prayer for direction and clarity.  Amber had not read my blog yet, just felt the Lord prompting her to call me.  WOW!

I like to journal.  Sometimes prayers, sometimes thoughts.  It is nice to be able to go back and see how the Lord has answered.  It is good to go back and reflect on things you want to remember.

As most of you know, we have two sons.  Preston and Bennett.  (Peanut Butter)  When I was pregnant with Bennett, the day before my ultrasound, I had a dream that Bennett was a boy.  The way I knew this was because, in my dream, I was wearing a shirt that said "I am the Mommy to PB&J!" 

We have always had our "J" named picked out for if and when we had our girl.  My Dad's full name is Jay Lynn Douglas.  So, we were going to name her "Jaylynn Marie."  My Mom's middle name is Marie.  This name has been around since before we had Preston.

Well, after my Mom passed, I have been really concentrating on the word "JOY."  I have even painted a picture of the word, Joy.  I have been striving for revitalized Joy in my life since January.  So, through these last months, I had a change of heart on our future Princess's name.  I thought, what if we named her "Joylynn Marie?"  And what if we called her Princess Joy!  I literally have a prayer in my Joy journal from September 13, 2011 about our future Princess Joy.

Well, in Kenya, after our second day at Fiwagoh, our team leader, Diana, asked us to share some thoughts about what the Lord had been revealing to us.  My team members shared and we cried a lot.  It was a special time.  I shared my story about Joy and how finding Joy was part of my healing process through my grief.  I told them about my Joy journal and about my future Princess Joy.

The next day, we went to a baby cottage called Haven of Hope, run by this beautiful woman named Nellie.  She took us on a tour of her lovely home.  She has around 30+ children.  We went into the baby/toddler room.  She started sharing the names of the babies...

This is baby JOY...

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?  "The Lord has filled my heart with JOY!"  I could not believe my ears or my eyes.  All of the girls on my team immediately looked over at me.  So, of course, I had to hold my JOY.  This gift of Joy that the Lord gave to me.  I found JOY in Kenya, Africa... quite literally.

Needless to say, I held onto my JOY for as long as they let me...

She fell asleep in my arms. 

It was... JOY. 

I would love to say that this was a sign from God.  This is your Princess Joy!  But, it is not that simple.  I quickly had to realize whatever happens, this was just a very special gift. 

"The Lord has filled my heart with JOY!"  The context of this Scripture passage is so much more appropriate to me today than ever before.  Hannah's story now gives me very specific hope... and JOY.

You would think that this would have been the end of my Joy story.  Nope.  The following week, we went to a ministry in Uganda called "Serving His Children."  It is an amazing ministry where they help malnourished children rehabilitate.

I got to hold a beautiful baby there too.  Guess what her name was?

JOY!

SERIOUSLY!!!  The funny thing was I had been holding her for a little while before I asked her Mom what her name was.  It was just... JOY!

So, I found JOY in Kenya and Uganda!!!  Can you even believe it!

I am so grateful for this story.  The way the Lord shows you exactly what you are looking for.  He is so good. 

I can't get over it!!!

Undeniable JOY!!!

Unforgettable Moments

This was my hardest day.  I have hesitated to write about the difficult parts of this journey.  Words fail to describe the devastation and hopelessness at some of the places we saw.  The need is staggering.  It got very dark on some days.


On this day, we went to a children's prison.  These government run facilities are a place where children are brought in that have either committed some sort of offense or have been found on the streets.

I cannot mention names or places or ministries that are helping, but I do want to share this story.

We came in and had a time of worship led by this incredible ministry that shares the light of Jesus at least twice a week at these places.  I was so wrapped up in worship, that, by the end, I didn't even notice that ALL of these children, ages 12-18, were down on their faces before the Lord.  They were praying and crying out to Jesus.  I did not understand all of the language, but what I saw was TRUE worship.  It was overwhelming.  I have not experienced anything like this.  It was something beautiful.  I am so grateful for this ministry that comes into these places.  Thank You, Lord.

After worship, we had a time where each child could make a cross beaded necklace.  I had noticed this girl was not participating.  So, I sat down by her.  She was mumbling, "my daddy, my daddy..."  I could not understand what she was saying.  I just started rubbing her back.  That's when one of the interns from this amazing ministry came over.  She sat in front of her and started trying to talk to this girl.  The intern explained to me that this girl was new and she had been getting picked on.  As this intern listened to this girl speak, she picked out the words, "My Mom just died."

I grabbed a hold of this girl and told her about my Mom through my tears.  I told her how she had died in January, and how sad I was.  But, that I had to believe that she was in Heaven and I would see her again because of my belief in Jesus and what He did for me and my Mom.  And that God is still good and still faithful.  The intern immediately started crying.

I don't remember what all was said, but it was overwhelming.

You can also see one of my team members right beside me, Allison.  She had felt led to come and just start praying, not knowing what exactly was happening. 

I cannot believe one of my other team members, Lauren, caught this on camera.

This moment that was so divine and appointed.  I still cannot believe it.

I wish we could have stayed all day and that I could have talked to this girl more.  It was so hard to leave.  But, I did get the chance to see this intern again later this day.  I am so glad she is able to minister to this girl.  There is also a woman (in the corner of the picture) that had been counseling with her that day after I left.
  
I will never forget this girl...

Please pray for these children and for this ministry that is there serving right now.

P.S.  I just got a message from Kirby, the intern.  (She said I can use her name!)  She said that this girl gave her life to Christ after the message today!  Praise God!!!  WOW!

The Karamajong

These stories are not in any order.  They are just a glimpse of this overwhelming experience.  Again, my words do not capture the enormity of it all.

While in Uganda, we got to go to visit the Karamajong Tribe. 

I met a boy named, Joseph.  He is 12 years old.  He stayed close by my side while we were there.  He was very sweet and protective.  He would tell me to put my camera away when he thought it might get broken or taken.  He had family there too.  He is in the middle of this picture.

Something very beautiful about Africa is that they want to sing and dance for you, which is right up my alley.  Loved it!  This group of children and women were so lovely.  We got to see the children sing.  Joseph's sister sang in the group.  Then, the ladies performed for us.  It was beautiful.  The worship is so sincere and genuine.  I was so moved.

I experienced something here that I have never seen before.  Our team was presented with gifts, lots of them.  They gave us eggs, bananas, lettuce, hand woven mats, baskets, beads, a sign, a bag and more.  It was too much.  It was so humbling.  Again, I was moved to tears.  I just can't describe it.

Next, came the beads.  All the women holding up their beautiful creations.  How do you choose?  It was so difficult.  I wish I could have bought from each one of these women. 

I did buy a bracelet from sweet Joseph.  He made it so he could sell it to get money for school fees. 

I was given a bracelet by one of the women, just for coming over to see their lovely work.

And by the way, I did buy several necklaces from them.  I would have bought more, but ran out of money...

Please pray for the Karamajong Tribe.

"Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. ³ For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own."  2 Corinthians 8:2-3

This may be taking Scripture out of context, but I literally got to experience this right in front of me.  It was something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.  I will not get over it.  And I pray I learn to give like these people gave.

To God be the Glory.  Amen.

My friend Philis

My first story has to be about Philis.

We drove up to Fiwagoh and were greeted by the singing "Welcome, welcome... so happy to see you, happy to see you."  I got out of our van and we were surrounded by children.  It is an overwhelming feeling.  Of course, I started bawling.  It was surreal.  That word will be coming up a lot and it doesn't even do it justice.
Immediately, this little girl grabbed my hand and looked me right in the eyes and said "We are going to be friends.  You are going to be my friend."  This was Philis.  And we definitely became friends and were together for my days at Fiwagoh.
The first thing you notice is the beauty of this place.  It is set in the middle of mountains and right on Lake Elementaita.  Gorgeous.  The next thing is the singing.  It is constant and simply lovely.  Next, is the notes.  I received little notes immediately from Philis and her group.  It was one of the sweetest things.
We got unloaded and ate dinner.  Then, we worshiped with them.  Again, the singing was enchanting and captivating, Heavenly.  Lots of hugs good night and off to bed.
The next morning, we started organizing our donations.  Breakfast was announced so I took my doxicyclene.  Well, breakfast was running a little late.  I didn't think anything of it... well, these meds are to be taken with food.  Needless to say, when breakfast did happen, I was nauseous.  NOOOO!!!!  I went back to my room and laid down.  I started praying.  It was so frustrating for me.  I could not believe that on my first day to serve I was sick.  Anyway, I decided to stay in my room for the morning to see if this nausea would pass since I had eaten something.  I was so upset.  I heard the children singing and having fun.  And I was stuck in my room.
Then, came the voice.  "Shahloh?"  I didn't think too much of it, thought I was hearing things.  I started reading through my sweet notes and continued praying.  The voice came again.  "Shahloh?"  Talk about a voice from above.  I got up and went down the hall and there was Philis waiting for me.  She looked up at me and asked if I was coming.  Umm, yes, yes, I am.  Without hesitation, I went with her.  I had to totally rely on the Lord's strength to get me through the day.  I had been praying Philippians 4:13 all morning.  And boy, was this verse the truth for me this day and quite frankly, all week.  His Strength.  Amen.
It was a beautiful day with my new friend, Philis.

Birthdays and Broken Arms

WOW, what a week. 

Yesterday, the day after Preston's 7th Birthday, he broke his arm in two places.  He was hot doggin' in his brand new go kart from Papa J.  He took a turn too sharp and rolled onto the side.  He actually wanted to just take a break and go again.  Needless to say, I took him to the ER.  That was a crazy drive.  I am pretty sure I got up to speeds that I won't mention... the Lord was protecting us thankfully.  Preston was screaming in pain.  This is so hard to hear as parents know when your child is in pain.  We were 30 minutes out of town, so it was a very long drive.  Preston was so sweet through it.  Through his screaming, he also started praying.  "God, please heal my arm."  I had to mention that because of how strong he is in his faith at his age.  Again, I just love this about him.  We got to the ER and of course, I parked on the totally wrong side of Mercy.  So, we had to walk through the entire hospital.  That was frustrating, but in the midst of chaos, you are not always thinking clearly.  We got to the check in.  And through my quivering voice I told the man that my son had probably broken his wrist and we had been driving for 30 minutes and could he please help us quickly.  He looked down at his wrist and asked the concierge lady to get an ice pack.  Then, very quickly, they took him back and put his arm on a board and wrapped it.  This was a surprisingly quick ER visit.  I am grateful they responded so quickly.  I had to go to registration and he had to go get x-rays.  Another no fun thing for a parent.  They don't let you go back.  When he came back, I could tell he had been crying.  I remember the x-ray I had when I broke my arm at 5 years old.  X-rays are no fun.  I am so grateful that he made it this long without breaking a bone.  Anyway, we waited just a little bit and they brought him back.  The doctor told me he had broken it in two places, the ulna and radius.  The good news is it was not all the way through so they did not have to set it.  Thank God!  They had to put a splint on.  He did not cry during this.  I am so proud of him.  He is such a great kid.  Finally, after all that, they gave him some Tylenol.  The nurses were so impressed with how calm he was and sweet.  He will have to get a cast after the swelling goes down.  That is hard because I may be flying to Africa when this happens.  But, I know he is in good hands here with his Daddy and Papas.  I am just hoping I can be here for it.  Time will tell.  Preston did not cry at the ER until we were about to leave.  He was more upset that we weren't going back to Papa J's.  But, Papa J came back to Lawton with us.  We gave him otc meds every 4 hours and he has not complained once.  Have I mentioned what a great kid he is?!!!  I was taking pictures of him and trying to make him look a little more pathetic, but the truth is, he can't help but smile his big cheezy grin.  I LOVE HIM.  He will be fine.  I know this. 

Today is my Mom's 56th Birthday, her first in Heaven.  I remember taking her to lunches on her birthday.  13 years ago, I took her out to eat at her favorite Chinese restaurant, Dot Wo's in Edmond.  I was telling her about my first date with this guy named Matt.  She got so excited and said maybe for her next birthday, we would be planning a wedding.  She also told me, "You better not screw this up, Shiloh Dawn."  (Thanks, Mom.)  To which I responded with; "Hey, I am a pretty good catch too, you know."  She loved Matt even before she met him.  (Who couldn't!)  Ironically, I was already married to him by her next birthday!!!  Lol. 

Last year, for her birthday, we went to a Japanese restaurant where they cook in front of you.  She had so much fun, we all did.  She was so happy.  The pictures from that weekend are the last I have of her.  Soon after that, in November, she started getting really sick.  And, well, you all know how quick it went after that. 

I recorded two songs for my parents birthdays last year.  "Thank you for the Music" and "Healer."  My Dad's Birthday is Monday.  So, this month is just full of celebrations.  She always said we needed to have a daughter on October 4th, so we would have birthdays October 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10. 

We love you and miss you Mama J.  The boys birthdays this year was hard on me because of missing her.  But, she would be so mad at me for that, so we celebrated doing something the boys love, swimming.  And they did have a blast last weekend and this weekend with the go karts while it lasted...

All is well today.  Preston is feeling great.  He is a trooper.  Daddy is happy because the Sooners are winning.  Papa J is doing good because he always eats well and rests better when he is here, Lol.  Bennett is getting used to having to be super sensitive to Preston's fragile state.  As for Mommy, well, I appreciate your prayers for our family in the midst of all this.  I just need extra prayer for my anxiety as I am away.  Thank you.  Days and weeks like these I REALLY miss my Mom. 

The good news is that all this warfare just means the Lord has mind-blowing, huge things in store for Africa, which gives me great hope. 

For His Glory.

Happy Birthday, Preston!!!

When the Lord gets you ready to start a family, sometimes it is not in our time.  I knew I wanted to get pregnant, but the Lord knew it was not quite the right time yet.
We had been trying for two years and I honestly thought I was not able to conceive.  It made me so sad.  I even went in to get checked out for fertility issues.  But, that month, I got pregnant.  YAY!!!

I remember taking the test and two pink lines coming up right away.  I immediately drove to Mardel and bought Matt a book titled "Congratulations, you are going to be a father."  I was so thrilled that I told the check out person, who probably thought I was nuts.  Then, I rushed home and waited for Matt.

He finally got home from a very long day, working with my Dad, and was so dirty.  Poor guy.  I was following him around in the garage trying to get him inside.  He was taking his time... come on!  He finally came in and I gave him the book.  He looked at it and then looked at me and said "What?!"  He started crying, well, I should say, we started crying and screaming and jumping for JOY.  OK, maybe I did the jumping!  Lol.

Here is just a little funny connection thing.  That night, we went to a Blazers Hockey game with our friends Amber and Abbey.  Amber is going to Africa with me next week.  We were not going to tell them because we wanted to tell our parents first, but we ended up telling them because we could not keep it in.  We told our parents, family and friends later.

Another interesting tidbit is the next week we were scheduled to go eat at our friends, Andy and Treasure's.  I should have suspected something was up when Treasure called and said they had invited Matt's brother, Mike and his wife, Chantel over as well.  Chantel announced that night that she was pregnant too and we were due really close together.  I truly think it is a TWIN thing because Thomas and Preston were born 6 days apart.  I have often said that my Mother-in-law must have felt like she was getting a set of twin grandsons.  It is pretty special.  I don't have a sister, so it was great to have someone to be pregnant with.  And our friend Treasure got pregnant again shortly after that.  Her daughter is to be married to one of our sons some day, which one she will choose is still yet to be determined.  Lol.

Anyway, we were so excited.  I remember going to the doctor to hear his heart beat for the very first time.  It was just one of those moments you will never forget.  He had such a fast, strong heart beat.  I recorded it on one of those recordable frames and put a picture of his ultrasound in it.

We had one scare with him during my pregnancy, but everything turned out fine, thankfully.

I had to be induced because I am pretty sure my babies would stay in me forever if they could.  That day, I had experienced a few contractions, but was not in pain.  Matt would sit and watch the monitor and tell me when they were coming.  I was kind of making fun of wimpy women for complaining about this "pain."  Well, let's just say that was before the doctor broke my water... after that, I knew what pain all these wimpy women were talking about.  WOW, women are just amazing.  Can I just say!  Yikes.  The pain came for sure.  And I so did get some meds!  Hallelujah for meds.

Well, Preston was big, really big.  So, labor did not go as smoothly as anticipated.

There are certain things you remember about these particular days.  I remember the doctor coming in after 2 hours of pushing and suggesting a C-section because he was stuck.  I immediately started crying and said no, I can do this, which was not wise.  I should have listened to the doctor.  I remember my doctor telling me that they were going to bring in 4 people to help stand on me in case his shoulders got stuck... whoa!  I remember her telling me to listen to her voice only and to only push when she said push, not anyone else, namely Matt.  And I honestly don't remember much more until Matt was telling me that he was here.  I had been at it for 11 hours...  For me, 11 minute C-section with Bennett versus 11 hour hard labor with Preston, I preferred the C-section.

Preston Douglas Wolff was born October 6, 2004 at 7:26 P.M.  He weighed 8 pounds 10 ounces.  The nurses nicknamed him "Samson."  He was a BIG baby, biggest in the nursery that week.  His little hands were so purple and his head was so coned from being stuck, bless his heart.  He had so much hair and really broad shoulders.

I remember them putting him in my arms and tears coming without any control.  Not the balling kind of tears, just overwhelming tears that can't stay in.  He took my breath away... still does.

There is so much to say about Preston.  He is simply delight.  He makes everyone love him.  You can't help it.  He is persuasive and persistent and a performer.  He is sharp.  He has an amazing memory.  He will talk to anyone, which is a good and sometimes not so good thing.  He loves to play Tag, as most of our youth students know.  He loves to be in front of people.  He reads with lively animation.  I love that about him, he is a story teller.  He has a schpeal that he will tell you even if you don't want to know.  "Hi, my name is Preston, and I am now 7 years old.  I am in the 1st grade and I go to Flower Mound.  This is my brother, Bennett, he just turned 5 years old and he goes to Flower Mound too.  I play T-ball, but next year will probably play coach pitch.  And I play piano and have a recital at the end of November..."  And so on and so on.  He can overwhelm you with details, but he thrives in knowing them.  I think he genuinely believes everyone is interested.  He is very much a planner and knows our schedule.  He remembers when and where and who and what and if and all that.  He cracks me up.  He is always chatty.  He is so incredibly cute, the big blue eyes and the toe-blonde hair.  I have had so many Moms tell me that their daughters want to marry him.  So many, in fact, we had to establish the "Not until you are 25" rule.  Just ask him about kissing or marriage or girlfriends.  He LOVES video games, computers and anything technologically advanced, thanks to Mama J and his Daddy.  I wish it weren't so and would worry more if he were not social, but WOW, is he social.  No worries there.  He got the "Bucket Filler" award at his school last year in Kindergarten, which was a really big deal.  He is an encourager.  He is left handed, but writes with his right hand.  He would play all day if he could.  He has energy that astounds me.  He has such a big heart.  He loves TobyMac.  He thrives in a scheduled setting, so school has been really enjoyable for him.  He loves anything in water, especially the water park.  He would go there year round.  I think sometimes his mind is about 2 steps ahead of his feet.  He is loyal and still mentions friends from when he was 1 or 2.  He is a prayer warrior.  He loves his brother and is so patient with him.  He does well to include him, actually, he is just great at including everybody.  He doesn't like disappointing you.  He wants to please you and make everyone happy.  He and I are so similar, it scares me sometimes.  He picked up a phrase in Pre-K, "That makes my heart grow big."  He still says this.  It is so sweet.

Preston Douglas Wolff, you made us a Mommy and Daddy.  We love you and are so proud of the little man that you are becoming.  You make my heart grow big with the love that you give.  Happy 7th Birthday, sweet boy.  Many adventures to come.

Happy Birthday, Bennett!!!

I am extremely sentimental and nostalgic these days so I have to write something about my Bennett on his birthday today.

Let me back up a bit.  Bennett was kind of a surprise.  It took a long time to get pregnant with Preston (2 years), so I just assumed it would take a long time again.  Boy, was I wrong!  It took 2 months... Bennett is literally 2 years almost to the day younger than Preston.  And this was not planned.  We were definitely trying to get pregnant, just not expecting it to happen so quickly.  I remember asking my prayer partner at the time, Rebecca Pruitt, to pray with me about conceiving another child.  I think she must have a pretty direct connection to the Lord because it didn't take very long for this prayer to get answered.  I am sure grateful for my sweet Ben Ben.

My pregnancy was great, no complications.  I did get sick once from dehydration.  I had gone to visit Matt at Super Summer.  It was the hottest summer on record (until this year, Lol.)  But, no worries.

Anyway, we wanted to know whether it was a boy or a girl.  And honestly, we were hoping for a girl this second time.  Matt and I actually thought maybe it was a girl.  I had a dream the night before my ultrasound that it was definitely a boy.  In my dream, I was wearing a T-shirt that said I am the Mommy to PB&J.  (My "J" named girl is still out there just waiting for us...) Anyway, the next day we went in for the ultrasound.  The nurse asked me if I wanted to know what it was.  And I said it's a boy, without even looking at the screen.  She was surprised and asked how did I know.  I said the Lord had told me in a dream.

All that to say, we were THRILLED to know our second Prince Charming was on the way. 
We scheduled my C-section for October 2, 2006.  The reason we didn't schedule it for October 6th (Preston's Birthday) was that they did not do C-sections on Fridays, so Monday, October 2, 2006, we welcomed Bennett Michael Wolff (BMW). 

I was all prepped and ready.  The Doctor started the procedure, then looked up at one of the nurses and asked, "Where's the Father?"  Somehow in the midst of all the craziness, no one remembered to go get Matt.  So, one of the nurses sprints down the hall and grabs Matt.  He walks in the door JUST in time.  That was kind of funny, looking back on it.  The first thing the doctor said was, "It's definitely a boy and he's peeing everywhere!!!"  LOL!  He was born at 8:06 A.M. and weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces.  (You know how I love number coincidences!)
In the video, you see me shaking and my teeth chattering.  I was freezing.  Don't know if that was the room or all that epidural medicine!  

After this, family came.  Meemaw and Papaw Wolff, Uncle Mike, Mama J and Papa J.  We also had several Cameron Baptist Church friends come visit as well.  Then Preston met Bennett after his Mother's Day Out that day.  He was a little skeptical at first.  But, it didn't take him long to come around.  Preston is the most amazing Big Brother to Bennett.  One of the sweetest memories I have as a Mom to these two precious boys is their joyful laughter.  There was this belly laugh that Bennett had that only Preston could make him do.  It brings tears to my eyes just remembering that.  They both have the best laughs.  And I am so thankful for the joy that they bring to so many.  It is contagious.

More about Bennett on his special day.  He is such a sweet, compassionate, intense, affectionate little man.  He loves to play in the dirt or sand, digging for dinosaur bones or buried treasure.  He has killer dimples.  His smile is irresistable.  And when he hugs you, he squeezes with passionate intensity.  He has always been artistic.  He loves to draw pictures for everyone.  He loves Mickey Mouse.  And he loves to sing and dance or shake his tail feather!  He LOVES coins.  It is hilarious to see him unabashedly ask for your coins.  He is probably already pretty wealthy through all his coin collecting.  He loves younger children, especially his cousins.  He has always had a special way with my two neices.  It is quite sweet and yet another reason he would make an incredible big brother to a little sister.  (Wishful thinking).  He is super intense and passionate like his Papa J, which is a bit intimidating.  My Dad and him are a lot alike, which scares Papa J and me and Matt, LOL!  He can still take a nap during the day and when he wakes up, we call him Mr. Squishy, because it takes him a long time to get back to himself.  He wants to cuddle for a bit.  He loves school and his teachers really love him.  He is pretty independent and does not need to always play with someone.  He can handle playing on his own, which is different from Preston.  He gets more confident when he is around his Big Brother.  The two of them crack me up.  Bennett has a natural mercy and nurturing care for others just like his Daddy.  I cannot even remember our lives without him in our little family.  He speaks with wisdom far beyond his years and says some of the sweetest things.  He is quite charming.  I have had some of his past teachers admit that they let him get away with more just because of how he is.  This is something we will deal with forever I am sure.  His love for his family is so beautiful.  He prays for people by name and knows where his Mama J is and is so very sensitive.

We have read, "Guess How Much I Love You."  There is a line in the book that says "I love you to the moon and back."  Well, guess what he said to me just this morning... "I love you all the way to Heaven and back." 

Bennett Michael Wolff, I feel exactly the same way.  Happy 5th Birthday!  You are becoming a little man right before me.  And I am so grateful to be your Mommy!  I love you all the way to Heaven and back, sweet boy!

Anticipate. Experience. Reflect.

Recently, I received 3 devotion journals from Visiting Orphans.  The first is called Anticipate.  It has been so encouraging.  THREE WEEKS!!!  I cannot believe it. 
I am anticipating and expecting great things. 

"God has opened doors for you to go on this trip.  He is calling you to grow in your faith, to become someone better than you are right now.  He is opening your eyes to live differently than ever before.  The challenge for you will be not just to know the right things to do but put them into practice.  And to do this, not just on your upcoming trip, but from now on... People will see a difference, you will experience joy, and you will take another step toward becoming the disciple of God that you are meant to be."

May it be so, yes Lord!

Anticipate.  Experience.  Reflect. 

2 Corinthians 10:15b-17
Our hope is that, as your faith continues to grow, our area of activity among you will greatly expand, so that we can preach the gospel in the regions beyond you. For we do not want to boast about work already done in another man’s territory. But, “Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.”

Let this be my heart's cry every day.

Glory to Your Name, Jesus!